EMPTiNESS

She woke up this morning like she did every other morning. She woke up, flipped over ready to kiss her husband on the forehead and forgot that his side of the bed was empty. Mornings like this brought flashbacks to her eyes of the events that lead to the emptiness she felt today.

She was upset with him. In fact, she hated him for the fact that for years she had wanted to start a family and he always wanted to wait. He was a producer and took his career seriously. He said he didn't want to have kids until they were wealthy enough to live comfortably. Now that they were comfortable, her body wouldn't let her. She spent thousands of dollars in fertility drugs and each time she was blessed with a pregnancy, it ended in miscarriage. This was her 5th miscarriage in two years and she was slowly falling apart.

The morning that started the confusion, she had came home form the hospital. He wanted to comfort her and hold her but she didn't want to be touched let alone be around him. She cried and screamed, her heart feeling as if it had been ripped out of her chest. He knew he would be leaving for a week on a business trip and didn't want to leave her feeling alone and miserable. He told her he would cancel the trip and stay but she told him she wanted to be alone. She told him she hated him. So at 9pm that night, he boarded a plane to New York and left her sitting there crying wishing he would have read her signs and stayed.

His leaving made her anger for him grow. She hated that he always had to leave her. She thought it would be better if she had a son or daughter to stay with her when she traveled, but he couldn't even give her that. She decided she would find someone else to fill her void. At first she wanted someone as a companion. Someone she could do things like go to the nail shop and shop with. But when she reached for her sister or cousins, they were busy raising their children and being wives. Then she met someone. He was the complete opposite from her husband, he loved to be around her and make her laugh and she loved having his company. They became close instantly, spending long hours on the phone together at night, going out for lunch everyday, enjoying each minute that the spent together. In fact, she enjoyed him so much that she started to dread the time that she spent with her busy husband. When she was with her husband she would count down the days until he would leave and she could be back with her lover.

Eventually she fell in love with him and decided that she was going to leave her husband to be with him. She packed up all of her clothes, put it in her car and left a note to her husband telling him that she had found someone else and would not be returning. Then she drove to her lovers house. Excited about starting a new relationship with him, she was not prepared for what was to come.

She realized she had never actually been inside his house. She would always drop him off a few houses down and he would walk up to the door and way goodbye. She was excited to see what her new home would look like. When she arrived at his house, she took out her compact mirror and fixed her make up putting another coat of lip gloss on her lips. She was so nervous and excited that she failed to realize another car parked in front which carried a car seat in the back. When she knocked on the door, a woman answered. This totally caught her by surprise. She thought she had the wrong house but decided to ask the woman if this was her lovers house. The woman told her yes he lived there and that she was his wife. Her heart dropped. The whole time he had a wife and in the back she could hear a baby crying. Before he came to the door, she walked back to her car and drove off.

Tears started to fall out of her eyes. The whole time she had this relationship with her lover she had been completely honest. She told him that she was married and that she hated her husband for not giving her the child she had always wanted. He said he was single and that he had no children only to find out every night when he left her he went home to his child and beautiful wife. She didn't know what to do. Then she thought about the note that she wrote. She had just enough time to get home and destroy the note before her husband got home and read it. She sped down the highway to her home praying that she beat her husband home. When she arrived and realized he was already there, she rushed in the house and looked at him reading the letter, tears falling down his eyes. She tried to explain that she had made a mistake and that she really loved him and wanted to make everything work. He was so hurt that it made it hard for him to look at her. He went in their room, packed his bag, kissed her on the forehead, and whispered goodbye. Right as he left, he changed his phone number and she never heard from him again.

This morning she woke up empty. Every morning she woke up empty. One little mistake and she lost everything. She lost her husband and was never blessed with a child. Every morning she woke up wishing she could change things but there was no way she could. She was left alone to fight with herself.

i'm just FUCKiN irritated

Today just ain't my day.. first my cousin and sister think its cool to gang up on me about my flaws.. like BITCH nobody wants to wake up to you two bitches tag teaming me.. Then i get a text from Randy letting me know that he's gonna be home today. Like what the fuck you hittin me for? But that's not even what irritated me.. what irritated me was that that bitch ass nigga gonna say, "so i see you got back with michael.." BITCH WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! when i asked him who the hell told him that because it aint true.. he gonna say someone told me that's what your facebook and twitter said!! WHAT THE FUCK! well tell that nosey ass person to mind they own business.. hella irritating why you worried about me.. i could have sworn you was up in LA cakin wid yo bitch so why you still worried about what I do. ooooooooooooooooh and don't even get me started about michael.. this mutha fucka is getting on my damn nerves as well.. i don't have time for this bullshit i swear..

UPDATE

Right now i'm sitting her kind of feeling emotionless.. well not emotionless but more like i cant find a word to describe the feeling that i am feeling right now. so i have been having the roughest two weeks ever and it seems like when something good happens.. something bad accompanies it.. but the bad is bombarding the good. Yesterday I had said I had to be careful what I say on my blogs because I have crazy people reading my blogs.. but F that.. i'm going to be completely 100 percent honest and come out and say how I am really feeling.

Last Tuesday we had court for my nice Kaniya. My brother was found to be the father ((yay)) they continued it another month, because now my brother needs a lawyer.. but we got visitation rights so hopefully I will be able to meet her finally!! That's better than nothing ya know..

Last Tuesday was also ((INSERT NAME HERE)) birthday. I honestly got played tho. See he has been asking me to come over and spend the night since Sunday. I spent the night every night.. but then turned around and still went to LA with his x.. ((which he is at right now)). You know since he wasn't my boyfriend I wasn't mad that he was going because I have no right to say anything. But i was mad that he played me.. Being hella nice to me to make it okay.. and also the way he makes me look to everyone else.. like a dumb Bitch.. so basically I blocked him on twitter and blocked his number from calling me.. I'm done.. too much unnecessary stress.. too many things going on in my life right now that I do not have time to be stressing over no man who I am not even committed to.

School. Good news and bad news. So I need to petition to graduate for Spring 2011 but Sac State once again has thrown a curve ball at me. One, this semester they only allow you to add 14 units when i need to take 18 to 19. Second, because they did that I was only allowed to sign up for four classes and now i'm going to try to add two more.. ugh this is just so stupid.. but yeah at least i'm graduating soon. I talked to Michael and he's gonna ask my old momma - in - law if she can do a recommendation paper for me to apply to credential school. I would really appreciate that. So school wise things are going alright...

Now the subject where most of the time i hold my tongue. SLiCK.. not much to say besides i hope that everything works out for the better.

CL0SURE.

yesterday i felt my heart jump out of my chest with her bandana on a stick and wave a silent goodbye as she splashed into the asphalt and crumbled to pieces. yesterday, I lost the only person in this world that meant the world to me. yesterday, I found my closure. As much negativity Michael has brought to my life, I still cared about him. I still loved him. Since he came home in March we've been going back and forth. One moment i'm the only one in this world he want to be around.. but I do not wanna be around him.. The next moment.. he's the only person in this world I want to be around.. and he doesn't want to be around me.. I LOVE him though.. I think I always will. But I realize that this relationship is unhealthy and to keep on pushing it would be like jumping off of a cliff. So i put my pen down and stop writing.. I stop trying to find a happy ending for a story that was never a fairytale.. I drop a few tears.. and exhale.. i'm going to be alright.

ANOTHER ONE

i know i have been flooding my readers with blogs everyday but when my life is complicated, this is how i let shit go.. yesterday was by far the most complicated day in my life all year.. I cried ((which i seldom do)) and I have no reason why I was crying.. that's the lame part.. but with all this mess going on with my parents, my niece, my personal life.. i think I was long overdue to drop a few tears.. i'm just glad i was alone when I did it..

so i've been thinking of ways that i have improved myself over the last year.. thinking back to April 2009, I think I have done a lot of changing in my life.. One, I learned not to yell as much.. maybe because i am tired of it.. the last three months before Michael went to jail last time.. April.. May.. June.. were horrible.. i damn near had no voice from always yelling and screaming at him all of the time.. nothing was ever the way I wanted it to be and we were always upset with each other.. so I learned that yelling, doesn't do well..

another way I have improved myself on the anger spectrum.. is that i do not let things get to me that easily.. from my past relationship i learned that you can not make anyone do something they do not want to do.. from that.. i learned to calm down.. even tho it has been a few times where i wanted to bust a few heads open.. i listened to Mariah when she said.. "let me take a breath... and regain my composure.." gotta let the things I have no control over take its course and if i do not like it.. i remove myself from the situation.

In the relationship spectrum, i have learned to listen.. listen to what the other person is feeling, what they have to say.. and choose my actions and plans from there.. i have also learned to be careful with who you hand your heart to because everyone's intentions are different..

there are still things about me that i want to improve..
my organization skills have been better but i still wish to improve them..
my thoughts.. the way i feel.. i wish to learn how to express them..
being a neater person.. my room looks like a tornado hit it right now..
my relationships.. i need to appreciate them more
my schooling.. i need to be more focused..

Love

so i had a talk with someone and they said something that made so much sense to me.. they said.. That everyone wants to be in LOVE, LOVE someone, be LOVED... but never really knows what LOVE is. See, LOVE is intangible. It is an abstract word. It makes you do things you would never think of doing.

LOVE changes everything in a relationship. LOVE changes the way you think. LOVE changes the way you act. LOVE changes the way you view the world. Someone in LOVE can be so blind to the fact that the person you LOVE is the one who causes you the most PAIN. I am something like a hopeless romantic. I LOVE to be in LOVE. I LOVE the feeling that LOVE brings. Sometimes LOVE blinds me and I make the wrong decisions... but i learned every time i fight LOVE it bites me in the ass.. honestly, i need a break from LOVE.. i need to have a LOVE relationship with myself.. iM too busy trying to please Michael then trying to please Randy.. that i haven't even been pleasing myself.. Neither one of them deserve me. Neither one of them is man enough to handle me.. so basically i decided its time to LOVE myself.. and let the ones bringing me down go..

JUST RAMBiLiN

EVERy DAy i FiND 0UT S0METHiNG NEW AND EVERy DAy My TH0UGHTS 0F y0U GET iLLER & iLLER.. EVERy DAy i WAKE UP.. & My ST0MACH TURNS FR0M DiSGUST.. H0W C0ULD i BE S0 iDi0TiC.. UGH.. iM M0RE MAD AT MySELF F0R DiGGiNG A H0LE S0 DEEP AND JUMPiNG iN HEAD FiRST N0T REALiZiNG THE CONSEQUENCE.. BUT iM DANGER0US.. THERES AN0THER SiDE T0 ME THAT Y0U HAVE N0T MET YET.. AN0THER SiDE THAT iM AFRAiD 2 FACE MySELF.. BECAUSE SHE'S NASTy.. SHE CAN D0 THiNGS THAT AN AVERAGE HUMAN BEiNG W0ULD NEVER THiNK 0F D0iNG.. & THEN S0ME.. BUT i PR0MiSED MY HEART THAT i W0ULDN'T BRiNG HER 0UT ANyM0RE.. S0 i KEEP THiS PR0MiSE.. I D0NT KN0W iF iM M0RE MAD BECAUSE i G0T PLAYED, DiSRESPECTED IN S0 MANy WAyS.. 0R iF iM MAD BECAUSE HE RUiNED My RELATi0NSHiP WiTH My BEST FRiEND.. MiCHAEL.. 0H WELL.. iLL GET 0VER iT.. BUT LiKE i SAiD.. I ALWAYS WIN.. DING DING DING.

PAiN

The last few days, I have visited HELL. I have been put in the worst position possible and I always thought I was making the right decisions when I guess I was dead wrong. Why do things have to be like this? Why did he choose me to be the star performer in his little circus of a life. Yes, my life wasn't perfect before but it was far less complicated. I'm not going to blame him for everything because I'm not perfect and i chose the wrong path to travel down but now i'm lost somewhere in the middle trying to find my way back to sanity. Why am I always made out to be the bad guy in every situation? I did not force anyone to like me let alone come around me so why in every situation it looks like i'm the one doing something wrong? I just want to move past this. Because its too much and no matter how much he cares about me and how much he likes me.. i'm always gonna lose because he's always gonna have her waiting on the sideline.. and thats hella unfair.. especially when peoples feeling are getting hurt. I am sorry that it had to be like this..

But now...
you've lost me.
Good Bye

Disappointed

I'm extremely disappointed that I cannot find a solution to the problem that I am faced with. Love.  I am  dumbfounded. What is love? Does anyone know. While I find myself struggling to move onward from my past love, I find myself rejecting to welcome a new love.  I do love him,  but I am terrified to let him have the best of me. At first i would have others to cease my feelings from growing but they continued to grow like wild flowers. So, I gave up on trying to stop the intangible. But now i feel like the past is stopping me from moving forward. The past will not leave but beats on this relationship like a drum. The past will not give up. How can any new relationship blossom if the past keeps colliding and pushing through to the present. The past creates the present. The past makes what you have today. But how do you grow from the past? My problem with the past is that it has made me afraid of the present. My past has brought forth so much pain and heartache. My past has frightened me. I said i would not let the past affect my future relationships but I find it afffecting this one. He is nothing like my past. He is a good man. He treats me with respect and shows me that he cares. I know that he cares for me, maybe more than i care for him but I do not understand why things are the way they are. Why do i keep fighting this love. I do not want to but i constantly find myself struggling internally trying to figure why i keep hiding how i really feel? I do not want to hurt. But in a way, this hurts like hell. Lost in a world of love. Trying to avoid heartache but constantly bringing heartache upon myself. But I love him. But I just do not know how to. I am dumbfounded. straight up confused and i dont know which way is the right way to go.

Life

Right now my life is a mess but i'm trying to stay strong and not crumble. First.. everyone knows already from my previous blog that my niece Kaniya is in the system. I'm patiently waiting for April 20 to go to court and find out what is going to happen with her.

My parents divorce as well as my best friends parents going through a divorce is a mess. I knew my parents probably should have separated a long time ago but just seeing two divorces in the process is killing me. Why do people get married if their just going to divorce later on down the road? Ugh it makes me lose a little fate in ever getting married.

Then there is love. Theres actually two.

Randy. He's sweet and I know he cares about me so much but i've never talked to someone for this long with out no relationship commitment what so ever. What the hell. I am not used to this. I love being in a relationship and at first I told him I didn't want a relationship but honestly I do. I know that he cares about me just by the things he does for me and what he says to others but the non commitment thing is making me question him. Is this a game or is he serious?

Michael. I promised i would never go back but he is trying to do everything in his power to get me back. He's going to anger management, counseling, etc. He's hella trying to show me that he's a better person but i don't know if i believe him. I been through too much pain and heartache with him to just up and jump back into a relationship with him..

Honestly, i'd rather be with Randy and watch our relationship grow but we both have baggage and we need to sort our way through all of this before we can move forward together and have a strong relationship..

The only thing going good in my life is school.. i love my classes and i'm excited that i'm getting closer to graduating. I'm debating if i'm going to go into a credential program or if I'm going to go into a Master's program. Everyone tells me that I should do both. I don't know tho.. I think i'm just going to apply to both in the fall and go from there.

Just a Little somethin

All you haters... DIE!!

the perfect one 4 me

What i really want.. What I hope I will stumble across one day.. is someone who is spontaneous.. someone who will take me on out of the ordinary dates.. not the average dinner and a movie type of thing.. but a real date.. like a carriage ride, or a picnic.. i want someone that will actually open up and express how they feel about me as well as show me.. i know they say actions speak louder than words but sometimes the words sound nice too.. its always that a male will tell me something that i like to hear when i'm mad or angry at them.. how come they can not do the type of things like tell me i'm beautiful on the daily.. the little things are what make me smile. buy me a nice diamond.. and that diamond will make me happy for about a week.. then i'm going to want something new to excite me.. but do little things.. like going on walks.. surprising me with flowers.. cooking me dinner.. little non materialistic things.. make my heart skip a beat.. i don't know if it's Sacramento or it's the type of guys i choose to date. I learned that you can never change anyone into the man you want him to be.. they have to be willing to change themselves.. i'm so tired of disappointments so tired of nigs that don't meet my standards.. so i've decided to take a break and work on myself.. i will be back shortly and better than ever.