I never knew that someone could have such an impact on your life in such little amount of time until i met you. I never knew how much of negativity you would bring until your true colors came to light. Your straight selfish. Sold me a dream and sat there laughing as my tears dropped. Your presence is poisonous. You have poisoned my life with your hopes and dreams of utopia when you knew utopia never existed. You played me like a puppet.. pulling my strings controlling my mind... you crushed me. took my little heart out of my chest and stomped it to the ground with your foot. You did this to me when all I ever did to you was be honest.
But misery loves company. And company you shall have. I can forgive you for your stupidity and selfishness. I can forgive you for doing what you do...
You have to live with never knowing what it would have been like to have ME as your girl. You have to live with the regret.. Just remember you made your bed.. now lay in it.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
i'm sorry
my life has been flooded with so much bullshit that i haven't even been in the mood to sit down and express how i feel... I feel so reeetarded it's not even funny. I honestly will admit that I think I have low self esteem.. and I honestly think this low self esteem was brought amongst be through either society or my culture/up bringing. I never understand why I settle for less. I always thought that it was only me but when I look at my sisters we all do it. I'm beautiful, educated and know I can have and deserve someone who is just as beautiful and educated as me. But still I find myself settling for less. Why? I'm really trying to figure this out..
I feel like I have been lied to too much to really trust.. but then I had to think.. why when I am trying to give my all, be honest, i'm falling flat on my face? For so many years I haven't been honest and its finally coming to bite me in the ass.. I dont know tho.. this blog makes no sense to me.. so if you understand lol fill me in..
I want to be lost in a love where I am the only person that matters.. I've never had that feeling with anyone.. there was ALWAYS someone there.. ugh.. Makes me feel like i'm not good enough to be the only one. well i'm gonna go now i'm done.
I feel like I have been lied to too much to really trust.. but then I had to think.. why when I am trying to give my all, be honest, i'm falling flat on my face? For so many years I haven't been honest and its finally coming to bite me in the ass.. I dont know tho.. this blog makes no sense to me.. so if you understand lol fill me in..
I want to be lost in a love where I am the only person that matters.. I've never had that feeling with anyone.. there was ALWAYS someone there.. ugh.. Makes me feel like i'm not good enough to be the only one. well i'm gonna go now i'm done.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
EMPTiNESS
She woke up this morning like she did every other morning. She woke up, flipped over ready to kiss her husband on the forehead and forgot that his side of the bed was empty. Mornings like this brought flashbacks to her eyes of the events that lead to the emptiness she felt today.
She was upset with him. In fact, she hated him for the fact that for years she had wanted to start a family and he always wanted to wait. He was a producer and took his career seriously. He said he didn't want to have kids until they were wealthy enough to live comfortably. Now that they were comfortable, her body wouldn't let her. She spent thousands of dollars in fertility drugs and each time she was blessed with a pregnancy, it ended in miscarriage. This was her 5th miscarriage in two years and she was slowly falling apart.
The morning that started the confusion, she had came home form the hospital. He wanted to comfort her and hold her but she didn't want to be touched let alone be around him. She cried and screamed, her heart feeling as if it had been ripped out of her chest. He knew he would be leaving for a week on a business trip and didn't want to leave her feeling alone and miserable. He told her he would cancel the trip and stay but she told him she wanted to be alone. She told him she hated him. So at 9pm that night, he boarded a plane to New York and left her sitting there crying wishing he would have read her signs and stayed.
His leaving made her anger for him grow. She hated that he always had to leave her. She thought it would be better if she had a son or daughter to stay with her when she traveled, but he couldn't even give her that. She decided she would find someone else to fill her void. At first she wanted someone as a companion. Someone she could do things like go to the nail shop and shop with. But when she reached for her sister or cousins, they were busy raising their children and being wives. Then she met someone. He was the complete opposite from her husband, he loved to be around her and make her laugh and she loved having his company. They became close instantly, spending long hours on the phone together at night, going out for lunch everyday, enjoying each minute that the spent together. In fact, she enjoyed him so much that she started to dread the time that she spent with her busy husband. When she was with her husband she would count down the days until he would leave and she could be back with her lover.
Eventually she fell in love with him and decided that she was going to leave her husband to be with him. She packed up all of her clothes, put it in her car and left a note to her husband telling him that she had found someone else and would not be returning. Then she drove to her lovers house. Excited about starting a new relationship with him, she was not prepared for what was to come.
She realized she had never actually been inside his house. She would always drop him off a few houses down and he would walk up to the door and way goodbye. She was excited to see what her new home would look like. When she arrived at his house, she took out her compact mirror and fixed her make up putting another coat of lip gloss on her lips. She was so nervous and excited that she failed to realize another car parked in front which carried a car seat in the back. When she knocked on the door, a woman answered. This totally caught her by surprise. She thought she had the wrong house but decided to ask the woman if this was her lovers house. The woman told her yes he lived there and that she was his wife. Her heart dropped. The whole time he had a wife and in the back she could hear a baby crying. Before he came to the door, she walked back to her car and drove off.
Tears started to fall out of her eyes. The whole time she had this relationship with her lover she had been completely honest. She told him that she was married and that she hated her husband for not giving her the child she had always wanted. He said he was single and that he had no children only to find out every night when he left her he went home to his child and beautiful wife. She didn't know what to do. Then she thought about the note that she wrote. She had just enough time to get home and destroy the note before her husband got home and read it. She sped down the highway to her home praying that she beat her husband home. When she arrived and realized he was already there, she rushed in the house and looked at him reading the letter, tears falling down his eyes. She tried to explain that she had made a mistake and that she really loved him and wanted to make everything work. He was so hurt that it made it hard for him to look at her. He went in their room, packed his bag, kissed her on the forehead, and whispered goodbye. Right as he left, he changed his phone number and she never heard from him again.
This morning she woke up empty. Every morning she woke up empty. One little mistake and she lost everything. She lost her husband and was never blessed with a child. Every morning she woke up wishing she could change things but there was no way she could. She was left alone to fight with herself.
She was upset with him. In fact, she hated him for the fact that for years she had wanted to start a family and he always wanted to wait. He was a producer and took his career seriously. He said he didn't want to have kids until they were wealthy enough to live comfortably. Now that they were comfortable, her body wouldn't let her. She spent thousands of dollars in fertility drugs and each time she was blessed with a pregnancy, it ended in miscarriage. This was her 5th miscarriage in two years and she was slowly falling apart.
The morning that started the confusion, she had came home form the hospital. He wanted to comfort her and hold her but she didn't want to be touched let alone be around him. She cried and screamed, her heart feeling as if it had been ripped out of her chest. He knew he would be leaving for a week on a business trip and didn't want to leave her feeling alone and miserable. He told her he would cancel the trip and stay but she told him she wanted to be alone. She told him she hated him. So at 9pm that night, he boarded a plane to New York and left her sitting there crying wishing he would have read her signs and stayed.
His leaving made her anger for him grow. She hated that he always had to leave her. She thought it would be better if she had a son or daughter to stay with her when she traveled, but he couldn't even give her that. She decided she would find someone else to fill her void. At first she wanted someone as a companion. Someone she could do things like go to the nail shop and shop with. But when she reached for her sister or cousins, they were busy raising their children and being wives. Then she met someone. He was the complete opposite from her husband, he loved to be around her and make her laugh and she loved having his company. They became close instantly, spending long hours on the phone together at night, going out for lunch everyday, enjoying each minute that the spent together. In fact, she enjoyed him so much that she started to dread the time that she spent with her busy husband. When she was with her husband she would count down the days until he would leave and she could be back with her lover.
Eventually she fell in love with him and decided that she was going to leave her husband to be with him. She packed up all of her clothes, put it in her car and left a note to her husband telling him that she had found someone else and would not be returning. Then she drove to her lovers house. Excited about starting a new relationship with him, she was not prepared for what was to come.
She realized she had never actually been inside his house. She would always drop him off a few houses down and he would walk up to the door and way goodbye. She was excited to see what her new home would look like. When she arrived at his house, she took out her compact mirror and fixed her make up putting another coat of lip gloss on her lips. She was so nervous and excited that she failed to realize another car parked in front which carried a car seat in the back. When she knocked on the door, a woman answered. This totally caught her by surprise. She thought she had the wrong house but decided to ask the woman if this was her lovers house. The woman told her yes he lived there and that she was his wife. Her heart dropped. The whole time he had a wife and in the back she could hear a baby crying. Before he came to the door, she walked back to her car and drove off.
Tears started to fall out of her eyes. The whole time she had this relationship with her lover she had been completely honest. She told him that she was married and that she hated her husband for not giving her the child she had always wanted. He said he was single and that he had no children only to find out every night when he left her he went home to his child and beautiful wife. She didn't know what to do. Then she thought about the note that she wrote. She had just enough time to get home and destroy the note before her husband got home and read it. She sped down the highway to her home praying that she beat her husband home. When she arrived and realized he was already there, she rushed in the house and looked at him reading the letter, tears falling down his eyes. She tried to explain that she had made a mistake and that she really loved him and wanted to make everything work. He was so hurt that it made it hard for him to look at her. He went in their room, packed his bag, kissed her on the forehead, and whispered goodbye. Right as he left, he changed his phone number and she never heard from him again.
This morning she woke up empty. Every morning she woke up empty. One little mistake and she lost everything. She lost her husband and was never blessed with a child. Every morning she woke up wishing she could change things but there was no way she could. She was left alone to fight with herself.
Monday, April 26, 2010
i'm just FUCKiN irritated
Today just ain't my day.. first my cousin and sister think its cool to gang up on me about my flaws.. like BITCH nobody wants to wake up to you two bitches tag teaming me.. Then i get a text from Randy letting me know that he's gonna be home today. Like what the fuck you hittin me for? But that's not even what irritated me.. what irritated me was that that bitch ass nigga gonna say, "so i see you got back with michael.." BITCH WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! when i asked him who the hell told him that because it aint true.. he gonna say someone told me that's what your facebook and twitter said!! WHAT THE FUCK! well tell that nosey ass person to mind they own business.. hella irritating why you worried about me.. i could have sworn you was up in LA cakin wid yo bitch so why you still worried about what I do. ooooooooooooooooh and don't even get me started about michael.. this mutha fucka is getting on my damn nerves as well.. i don't have time for this bullshit i swear..
Saturday, April 24, 2010
UPDATE
Right now i'm sitting her kind of feeling emotionless.. well not emotionless but more like i cant find a word to describe the feeling that i am feeling right now. so i have been having the roughest two weeks ever and it seems like when something good happens.. something bad accompanies it.. but the bad is bombarding the good. Yesterday I had said I had to be careful what I say on my blogs because I have crazy people reading my blogs.. but F that.. i'm going to be completely 100 percent honest and come out and say how I am really feeling.
Last Tuesday we had court for my nice Kaniya. My brother was found to be the father ((yay)) they continued it another month, because now my brother needs a lawyer.. but we got visitation rights so hopefully I will be able to meet her finally!! That's better than nothing ya know..
Last Tuesday was also ((INSERT NAME HERE)) birthday. I honestly got played tho. See he has been asking me to come over and spend the night since Sunday. I spent the night every night.. but then turned around and still went to LA with his x.. ((which he is at right now)). You know since he wasn't my boyfriend I wasn't mad that he was going because I have no right to say anything. But i was mad that he played me.. Being hella nice to me to make it okay.. and also the way he makes me look to everyone else.. like a dumb Bitch.. so basically I blocked him on twitter and blocked his number from calling me.. I'm done.. too much unnecessary stress.. too many things going on in my life right now that I do not have time to be stressing over no man who I am not even committed to.
School. Good news and bad news. So I need to petition to graduate for Spring 2011 but Sac State once again has thrown a curve ball at me. One, this semester they only allow you to add 14 units when i need to take 18 to 19. Second, because they did that I was only allowed to sign up for four classes and now i'm going to try to add two more.. ugh this is just so stupid.. but yeah at least i'm graduating soon. I talked to Michael and he's gonna ask my old momma - in - law if she can do a recommendation paper for me to apply to credential school. I would really appreciate that. So school wise things are going alright...
Now the subject where most of the time i hold my tongue. SLiCK.. not much to say besides i hope that everything works out for the better.
Last Tuesday we had court for my nice Kaniya. My brother was found to be the father ((yay)) they continued it another month, because now my brother needs a lawyer.. but we got visitation rights so hopefully I will be able to meet her finally!! That's better than nothing ya know..
Last Tuesday was also ((INSERT NAME HERE)) birthday. I honestly got played tho. See he has been asking me to come over and spend the night since Sunday. I spent the night every night.. but then turned around and still went to LA with his x.. ((which he is at right now)). You know since he wasn't my boyfriend I wasn't mad that he was going because I have no right to say anything. But i was mad that he played me.. Being hella nice to me to make it okay.. and also the way he makes me look to everyone else.. like a dumb Bitch.. so basically I blocked him on twitter and blocked his number from calling me.. I'm done.. too much unnecessary stress.. too many things going on in my life right now that I do not have time to be stressing over no man who I am not even committed to.
School. Good news and bad news. So I need to petition to graduate for Spring 2011 but Sac State once again has thrown a curve ball at me. One, this semester they only allow you to add 14 units when i need to take 18 to 19. Second, because they did that I was only allowed to sign up for four classes and now i'm going to try to add two more.. ugh this is just so stupid.. but yeah at least i'm graduating soon. I talked to Michael and he's gonna ask my old momma - in - law if she can do a recommendation paper for me to apply to credential school. I would really appreciate that. So school wise things are going alright...
Now the subject where most of the time i hold my tongue. SLiCK.. not much to say besides i hope that everything works out for the better.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
CL0SURE.
yesterday i felt my heart jump out of my chest with her bandana on a stick and wave a silent goodbye as she splashed into the asphalt and crumbled to pieces. yesterday, I lost the only person in this world that meant the world to me. yesterday, I found my closure. As much negativity Michael has brought to my life, I still cared about him. I still loved him. Since he came home in March we've been going back and forth. One moment i'm the only one in this world he want to be around.. but I do not wanna be around him.. The next moment.. he's the only person in this world I want to be around.. and he doesn't want to be around me.. I LOVE him though.. I think I always will. But I realize that this relationship is unhealthy and to keep on pushing it would be like jumping off of a cliff. So i put my pen down and stop writing.. I stop trying to find a happy ending for a story that was never a fairytale.. I drop a few tears.. and exhale.. i'm going to be alright.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
ANOTHER ONE
i know i have been flooding my readers with blogs everyday but when my life is complicated, this is how i let shit go.. yesterday was by far the most complicated day in my life all year.. I cried ((which i seldom do)) and I have no reason why I was crying.. that's the lame part.. but with all this mess going on with my parents, my niece, my personal life.. i think I was long overdue to drop a few tears.. i'm just glad i was alone when I did it..
so i've been thinking of ways that i have improved myself over the last year.. thinking back to April 2009, I think I have done a lot of changing in my life.. One, I learned not to yell as much.. maybe because i am tired of it.. the last three months before Michael went to jail last time.. April.. May.. June.. were horrible.. i damn near had no voice from always yelling and screaming at him all of the time.. nothing was ever the way I wanted it to be and we were always upset with each other.. so I learned that yelling, doesn't do well..
another way I have improved myself on the anger spectrum.. is that i do not let things get to me that easily.. from my past relationship i learned that you can not make anyone do something they do not want to do.. from that.. i learned to calm down.. even tho it has been a few times where i wanted to bust a few heads open.. i listened to Mariah when she said.. "let me take a breath... and regain my composure.." gotta let the things I have no control over take its course and if i do not like it.. i remove myself from the situation.
In the relationship spectrum, i have learned to listen.. listen to what the other person is feeling, what they have to say.. and choose my actions and plans from there.. i have also learned to be careful with who you hand your heart to because everyone's intentions are different..
there are still things about me that i want to improve..
my organization skills have been better but i still wish to improve them..
my thoughts.. the way i feel.. i wish to learn how to express them..
being a neater person.. my room looks like a tornado hit it right now..
my relationships.. i need to appreciate them more
my schooling.. i need to be more focused..
so i've been thinking of ways that i have improved myself over the last year.. thinking back to April 2009, I think I have done a lot of changing in my life.. One, I learned not to yell as much.. maybe because i am tired of it.. the last three months before Michael went to jail last time.. April.. May.. June.. were horrible.. i damn near had no voice from always yelling and screaming at him all of the time.. nothing was ever the way I wanted it to be and we were always upset with each other.. so I learned that yelling, doesn't do well..
another way I have improved myself on the anger spectrum.. is that i do not let things get to me that easily.. from my past relationship i learned that you can not make anyone do something they do not want to do.. from that.. i learned to calm down.. even tho it has been a few times where i wanted to bust a few heads open.. i listened to Mariah when she said.. "let me take a breath... and regain my composure.." gotta let the things I have no control over take its course and if i do not like it.. i remove myself from the situation.
In the relationship spectrum, i have learned to listen.. listen to what the other person is feeling, what they have to say.. and choose my actions and plans from there.. i have also learned to be careful with who you hand your heart to because everyone's intentions are different..
there are still things about me that i want to improve..
my organization skills have been better but i still wish to improve them..
my thoughts.. the way i feel.. i wish to learn how to express them..
being a neater person.. my room looks like a tornado hit it right now..
my relationships.. i need to appreciate them more
my schooling.. i need to be more focused..
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