Love

so i had a talk with someone and they said something that made so much sense to me.. they said.. That everyone wants to be in LOVE, LOVE someone, be LOVED... but never really knows what LOVE is. See, LOVE is intangible. It is an abstract word. It makes you do things you would never think of doing.

LOVE changes everything in a relationship. LOVE changes the way you think. LOVE changes the way you act. LOVE changes the way you view the world. Someone in LOVE can be so blind to the fact that the person you LOVE is the one who causes you the most PAIN. I am something like a hopeless romantic. I LOVE to be in LOVE. I LOVE the feeling that LOVE brings. Sometimes LOVE blinds me and I make the wrong decisions... but i learned every time i fight LOVE it bites me in the ass.. honestly, i need a break from LOVE.. i need to have a LOVE relationship with myself.. iM too busy trying to please Michael then trying to please Randy.. that i haven't even been pleasing myself.. Neither one of them deserve me. Neither one of them is man enough to handle me.. so basically i decided its time to LOVE myself.. and let the ones bringing me down go..

JUST RAMBiLiN

EVERy DAy i FiND 0UT S0METHiNG NEW AND EVERy DAy My TH0UGHTS 0F y0U GET iLLER & iLLER.. EVERy DAy i WAKE UP.. & My ST0MACH TURNS FR0M DiSGUST.. H0W C0ULD i BE S0 iDi0TiC.. UGH.. iM M0RE MAD AT MySELF F0R DiGGiNG A H0LE S0 DEEP AND JUMPiNG iN HEAD FiRST N0T REALiZiNG THE CONSEQUENCE.. BUT iM DANGER0US.. THERES AN0THER SiDE T0 ME THAT Y0U HAVE N0T MET YET.. AN0THER SiDE THAT iM AFRAiD 2 FACE MySELF.. BECAUSE SHE'S NASTy.. SHE CAN D0 THiNGS THAT AN AVERAGE HUMAN BEiNG W0ULD NEVER THiNK 0F D0iNG.. & THEN S0ME.. BUT i PR0MiSED MY HEART THAT i W0ULDN'T BRiNG HER 0UT ANyM0RE.. S0 i KEEP THiS PR0MiSE.. I D0NT KN0W iF iM M0RE MAD BECAUSE i G0T PLAYED, DiSRESPECTED IN S0 MANy WAyS.. 0R iF iM MAD BECAUSE HE RUiNED My RELATi0NSHiP WiTH My BEST FRiEND.. MiCHAEL.. 0H WELL.. iLL GET 0VER iT.. BUT LiKE i SAiD.. I ALWAYS WIN.. DING DING DING.

PAiN

The last few days, I have visited HELL. I have been put in the worst position possible and I always thought I was making the right decisions when I guess I was dead wrong. Why do things have to be like this? Why did he choose me to be the star performer in his little circus of a life. Yes, my life wasn't perfect before but it was far less complicated. I'm not going to blame him for everything because I'm not perfect and i chose the wrong path to travel down but now i'm lost somewhere in the middle trying to find my way back to sanity. Why am I always made out to be the bad guy in every situation? I did not force anyone to like me let alone come around me so why in every situation it looks like i'm the one doing something wrong? I just want to move past this. Because its too much and no matter how much he cares about me and how much he likes me.. i'm always gonna lose because he's always gonna have her waiting on the sideline.. and thats hella unfair.. especially when peoples feeling are getting hurt. I am sorry that it had to be like this..

But now...
you've lost me.
Good Bye

Disappointed

I'm extremely disappointed that I cannot find a solution to the problem that I am faced with. Love.  I am  dumbfounded. What is love? Does anyone know. While I find myself struggling to move onward from my past love, I find myself rejecting to welcome a new love.  I do love him,  but I am terrified to let him have the best of me. At first i would have others to cease my feelings from growing but they continued to grow like wild flowers. So, I gave up on trying to stop the intangible. But now i feel like the past is stopping me from moving forward. The past will not leave but beats on this relationship like a drum. The past will not give up. How can any new relationship blossom if the past keeps colliding and pushing through to the present. The past creates the present. The past makes what you have today. But how do you grow from the past? My problem with the past is that it has made me afraid of the present. My past has brought forth so much pain and heartache. My past has frightened me. I said i would not let the past affect my future relationships but I find it afffecting this one. He is nothing like my past. He is a good man. He treats me with respect and shows me that he cares. I know that he cares for me, maybe more than i care for him but I do not understand why things are the way they are. Why do i keep fighting this love. I do not want to but i constantly find myself struggling internally trying to figure why i keep hiding how i really feel? I do not want to hurt. But in a way, this hurts like hell. Lost in a world of love. Trying to avoid heartache but constantly bringing heartache upon myself. But I love him. But I just do not know how to. I am dumbfounded. straight up confused and i dont know which way is the right way to go.

Life

Right now my life is a mess but i'm trying to stay strong and not crumble. First.. everyone knows already from my previous blog that my niece Kaniya is in the system. I'm patiently waiting for April 20 to go to court and find out what is going to happen with her.

My parents divorce as well as my best friends parents going through a divorce is a mess. I knew my parents probably should have separated a long time ago but just seeing two divorces in the process is killing me. Why do people get married if their just going to divorce later on down the road? Ugh it makes me lose a little fate in ever getting married.

Then there is love. Theres actually two.

Randy. He's sweet and I know he cares about me so much but i've never talked to someone for this long with out no relationship commitment what so ever. What the hell. I am not used to this. I love being in a relationship and at first I told him I didn't want a relationship but honestly I do. I know that he cares about me just by the things he does for me and what he says to others but the non commitment thing is making me question him. Is this a game or is he serious?

Michael. I promised i would never go back but he is trying to do everything in his power to get me back. He's going to anger management, counseling, etc. He's hella trying to show me that he's a better person but i don't know if i believe him. I been through too much pain and heartache with him to just up and jump back into a relationship with him..

Honestly, i'd rather be with Randy and watch our relationship grow but we both have baggage and we need to sort our way through all of this before we can move forward together and have a strong relationship..

The only thing going good in my life is school.. i love my classes and i'm excited that i'm getting closer to graduating. I'm debating if i'm going to go into a credential program or if I'm going to go into a Master's program. Everyone tells me that I should do both. I don't know tho.. I think i'm just going to apply to both in the fall and go from there.

Just a Little somethin

All you haters... DIE!!

the perfect one 4 me

What i really want.. What I hope I will stumble across one day.. is someone who is spontaneous.. someone who will take me on out of the ordinary dates.. not the average dinner and a movie type of thing.. but a real date.. like a carriage ride, or a picnic.. i want someone that will actually open up and express how they feel about me as well as show me.. i know they say actions speak louder than words but sometimes the words sound nice too.. its always that a male will tell me something that i like to hear when i'm mad or angry at them.. how come they can not do the type of things like tell me i'm beautiful on the daily.. the little things are what make me smile. buy me a nice diamond.. and that diamond will make me happy for about a week.. then i'm going to want something new to excite me.. but do little things.. like going on walks.. surprising me with flowers.. cooking me dinner.. little non materialistic things.. make my heart skip a beat.. i don't know if it's Sacramento or it's the type of guys i choose to date. I learned that you can never change anyone into the man you want him to be.. they have to be willing to change themselves.. i'm so tired of disappointments so tired of nigs that don't meet my standards.. so i've decided to take a break and work on myself.. i will be back shortly and better than ever.