i just need to vent

i have to get past this phobia of sleeping alone.. its really killing me.. tonight is the first night that i will truly be alone.. every night theres someone.. i'm not gonna lie i'm light weight scared.. because when i'm with myself my mind goes wild.. and i think about everything.. not being around Randy is actually harder than i thought.. because he was like the person i can run to whenever i needed to talk.. and then you have this whole Michael situation and him trying to be into my life again.. I know that it is so wrong. But that was my heart.. that was my pride and joy at one point.. and its hard to be mean to someone who u have so much history with.. so we had a little talk.. and we talked about everything.. i asked him all kinds of questions about our relationship and there was one question in particular that really made my heart drop because we had the same answer. i asked him what did he think the downfall of our relationship was and he said... letting other people have a say so in our relationship... its funny because other people will certainly ruin a relationship.. before everyone knew about me and Randy, it was cool.. but when people started finding out.. then it was drama.. i guess i'm just hella disappointed.. i absolutely hate being single.. but there is not one guy that i think has the qualities that i want.. i'm not asking for much.. i just want someone who has their own and is going to love me & accept my flaws... is that too much to ask for?! it just seems like Sacramento is too small... everyone knows everyone and this little circle is just too damn small.. all the nigs out here act the same.. i'm not gonna say that there isn't anyone out there for me.. but i am giving up on looking.. i guess i'm just gonna have to let God do his job and bring him to me.. I just have to continue to work on myself. it's still a few things about me that i have to fix.. but sooner or later.. that perfect man.. will stumble along.. or maybe i've already met him and just haven't realized it yet.