F00LiSH

i don't know why i feel like i can't open my heart up to anyone anymore. I used to lie about everything.. but Lies only lead to hurting.. so i decided the next time around.. i would tell the truth even if it hurt.. see because when someone tells you the truth and it hurts.. it only hurts temporarily.. but when someone lies to you and you find out.. it hurts because its like you weren't worthy enough of the truth.. I don't think I will ever know the truth.. I don't think I will ever truly trust.. But why does it have to be like this? I am so hurt right now that I want to cry.. but I told myself I would be a strong woman and I won't let any tears fall from my eyes.. Why am I letting him get to me like this?! I mean I can only blame myself.. i told him i didn't want a relationship when deep down inside I do.. i told him that I don't need him.. but deep down inside I do.. i need him to kiss my forehead and hold me tight when i had a rough day at work or school.. I need him to make me laugh when I'm stressing.. I really WANT him here.. but for the last few weeks I have been struggling with myself.. EVERYDAY.. leave him alone.. or let him stay.. if i leave him now.. i know i WiLL NOT get hurt.. i know i know.. but then i keep thinking.. what if i walk away and i'm walking out on an opportunity?! I have to let go though.. because he hasn't made me feel confident that i'm where he wants to be and i don't sit around forever waiting on no one..