i just need to vent

i have to get past this phobia of sleeping alone.. its really killing me.. tonight is the first night that i will truly be alone.. every night theres someone.. i'm not gonna lie i'm light weight scared.. because when i'm with myself my mind goes wild.. and i think about everything.. not being around Randy is actually harder than i thought.. because he was like the person i can run to whenever i needed to talk.. and then you have this whole Michael situation and him trying to be into my life again.. I know that it is so wrong. But that was my heart.. that was my pride and joy at one point.. and its hard to be mean to someone who u have so much history with.. so we had a little talk.. and we talked about everything.. i asked him all kinds of questions about our relationship and there was one question in particular that really made my heart drop because we had the same answer. i asked him what did he think the downfall of our relationship was and he said... letting other people have a say so in our relationship... its funny because other people will certainly ruin a relationship.. before everyone knew about me and Randy, it was cool.. but when people started finding out.. then it was drama.. i guess i'm just hella disappointed.. i absolutely hate being single.. but there is not one guy that i think has the qualities that i want.. i'm not asking for much.. i just want someone who has their own and is going to love me & accept my flaws... is that too much to ask for?! it just seems like Sacramento is too small... everyone knows everyone and this little circle is just too damn small.. all the nigs out here act the same.. i'm not gonna say that there isn't anyone out there for me.. but i am giving up on looking.. i guess i'm just gonna have to let God do his job and bring him to me.. I just have to continue to work on myself. it's still a few things about me that i have to fix.. but sooner or later.. that perfect man.. will stumble along.. or maybe i've already met him and just haven't realized it yet.

Randy

Today i am offically through with Randy!! i don't understand why me and Shelly have to really b fighting over one nigga when there are hella sharks in the sea.. niggas wid the full package.. ((car, job, educated, own place)) this whole things is like a game to him.. if he's cool with me he treats Shelly hella shady makin her go through the most.. hella emotions that she's feeling while hes over her hella cool actin like shit aint happening.. and the minute shit aint cool wid me.. he really aint trippen because he's gonna go back to her.. and thats not fair.. why do one of us gotta be sad, mad, and upset for the other to be happy?! thats hella not fair.. i don't need this.. yeah michael was a fuckin nut but at least he took care of me.. ya know.. this is more drama than fuckin wid him.. nita said something to me that hella made sense.. if it wasnt for him.. we would probably be like the best of friends.. really tho.. we are more alike than we are different which is kinda sick to me.. but heyy.. he sure knows how to choose em.. but before it gets any worse i just wanna say that i am sooooooo threw wid nigs.. i think imma just do me for a while.. ya know solo.. so Shelly do ya thang girl.. get yo nigga back.. or wash ya hands.. either way.. i'd rather be ya friend than ya enemy.. because funkin over a lame ass nigg aint even cool..

Chaos

So yesterday me and R was Layin down after my workout and I asked him a question I asked him does he think this relationship we have is more like a friendship or a relationship and u know what he said... this fool said "why do girls always bring up dumbass questions at the wrong time" ooooohhhh I was so threw with him. 

The funny thing is I constantly find myself comparing him to Michael... everything I hated about Michael R is but everything I loved about Michael R is not... sometimes I wish I could take Michael's good qualities and Rs good qualities and make one perfect man for me lol

I'm really just rambling.. this blog is more like a free write... whatever comes to my Mind IM gonna write. Like the fact like I am seriously getting tired of R like really. I don't understand how I'm good enough for u to sleep with every night... wake up to every morning... spend all your time with and I still can't have the title.. that's y I gotta stay two steps Ahead of the game. I know I am very beautiful and I can have anyone I want but I always feel like I chose the wrong one. Uggghhh.. sometimes I wish Michael wasn't abusive... because I miss him much.. matter of fact I miss him hella.. but I must stay strong. I put up with way too much bullshit to go back.

My life is pretty much great. Everyday I pray for my niece..  make sure she's okay... my only problem is the nigs I do not wanna get ugly.Lol we all know I can turn into a beast... just don't say I didn't warn u... lol I tried being nice... being sympathetic... and now I really just don't give a flying fucccck

I love working out.. this is when all of my thoughts run wild.. plus once I'm fine with my,body I'm gonNa start up a portfolio... I think I will. I really want some watermelon.. maybe Ill go get some after I workout I'm so glad I'm working out twice.. now and tkb with Marie later.. oh my.., all my good morning texts are coming in.

This Is My Life

so this is a poem that me and my two group members came up with..

When is a day not a day?
When life is the day in the life.
The morning brings laughter and play.
Like summery sunshine swallowing strife.

The midday fraught with danger
Animals at every turn
Deep in the dark dense forest
Confusion sets in like thunder.

The end of the day is dark
And trees no longer stand except with help.
Creaking and moaning, propped on sticks
The day is ending.
Clouds go cold and gray as darkness surrounds.

For some, the night is just the beginning.

memories

so i really wanna write a book about my relationship with my x.. i mean the relationship had its ups and downs but my personality, my being, my soul has never been touched so much by a person in both good and bad ways that i am a totally new person from having that experience.. the only problem with writing a book about the relationship is after being in that accident.. there is not a lot i remember.. some things that were quite traumatizing... but some things that lead up to moments and things like how we made it official.. i do not remember.. yikes.. so i asked him to help me and he actually agreed.. i'm surprised.. but i'm glad.. I really want to actually get published.. if not.. i will make sure that I post my unpublished works to my blog for every woman to know that through the struggle.. Y0U CAN OVERCOME!! =]

Baby Niy

BABy Kaniya

So things have Been crazy mann for reals... first, my niece was born March 9th, 2010 and cps took her away because my bro and his bm are locked up.. then she had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side and its killing me because they wont let us know where she's at or if she's even okay... I been hella crying.. I haven't cried in so long... but then I was told there was nothing I can do so to stop trippen and pray to God to watch over her... so every night before I close my eyes I say a prayer for my niece Kaniya...

sooo today we had to go to a hearing to find out the fate of my baby niy and basically they said that in order for them to release Kaniya to us they have to establish that my brother is actually the father BUT.. they sent my brother to Ohio so it is going to take a whole month for them to get the test done and get the results.. omggggggggggg a whole month of tourtureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............. i dont know how i am going to make it through.. i'm just glad that i have a date so that i dont stress myself to death..

if your reading this blog i'm asking you to keep my niece kaniya in your prayers.. thank you..

March

soooooooooo march has been nothing like i planned it.. i expected.. hella drama with michael and my niece kaniya being here and it is EXACTLY the opposite of what i expected.. its been hella stress dealing with my niece and absolutely no drama with michael.. actually i cant believe how its been.. so when he got out.. i didnt see him for like a week.. but then when i did see him he looked oooooooooooooooooh sooooooooo sexy.. but i actually realized something.. the feelings that i had before.. the head over heels feeling.. the butterflies.. the smile i would get when i haddent seen him for a long time.. were no longer there.. there was a big ass void.. i think that it was absolutely awkward!! but whatevs.. when i seen him he said, "because you seen me, don't start getting all emotional.." buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.. hits me up today sayin he needs my love and affection and wants a relationship and he doesn't understand why i don't have anytime with him when i had 2 jobs and went to school i had time for him but now i act like my life is soooooooo busy and i don't have time for him.. i didn't know what to say but i wasn't about to tell him that i was gonna be back with him so i told him maybe we needed to sit and have a lil chat.. plus i was at work.. what am i supposed to do? but we talked and he said he was just going to move on since i'm not giving him the answer he wanted.. i felt kinda bad but at the end of the day.. i have to do what's best for me. I know that Michael can make me sooooooo happy but at the same time.. he makes me heeeeeeeeeeeeellla sad and I can't deal with feeling like that.. i need someone who can make me happy 95% of the time and when i'm mad or sad.. he's tryna make it better.. i don't need someone who knows how to bring me down to my lowest and uses it to his advantage..

PLUS.. i have him.. lol. duuuuuuuuuuuh

I'M S0RRy

This morning i was faced with a dilemma that i knew was going to happen sooner or later. i'm just glad that it happened sooner.. so this morning I went and took a shower and when I came back i could tell that something was wrong by the look on his face. I asked him is something was wrong but he said nothing was wrong so i wasn't going to press the issue. then he tweeted, "Should I bring it up or jus leave it silent n forever hold it n????" and i forsure knew something was wrong.. so i asked him what he had to say and at first he was like nothing but i knew it was something.. so I told him that I wouldn't be upset or anything and that he should feel like he can talk to me when he needs to.. soooooooooooo guess what he wanted to talk about.. I already knew that he went through my phone.. but he tells me he went to my phone and read me and Michael's phone conversation... Oh my.. i didn't remember exactly what I said to him but when I did read them i completely understand why he would be concerned.. I would be a liar to say that I don't care about Michael because I really do but then at the same time.. i completely know that our relationship is OVER and there will never be a Michael and Jasmine again.. I told him that I have no intentions on getting back with Michael and that I don't intend on even speaking with him again ((that's what my last text to him said, that I no longer felt the need for us to be in contact with each other))..

yesterday I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore because it was too much drama and he say she say.. i was hella sad though because i really do care about him and i know that he cares about mee... so i talked to my brother and sister and cousin and they all told me that i need to stop fighting my fears and just go with the flow.. sooooooooooooooooooooooo i told him how i really feel.. that I do want to be with him and that I have been playing games because i'm not tryna get hurt but that ain't no other nigga i want... this morning when the whole Michael thang came up i let him know that what i said yesterday was the truth and although Michael was the love of my life i'm willing to let go and move forward with him.. i know i been playin hella games and i havent been solid but for reals.. i'm not playing anymore.. like all the niggas i associate with to fight the feeling is not helpin.. its just complicating things.. someone told me to stop fighting with my own happiness so thats what i'm going to do... I always hold back from how i'm really feeling... I'm always tryna be a lil nigga and not give a fuck when deep down inside i doo.. I hella care about that boy.. he's does a lot for me, makes me laugh... gets on my nerves.. and although i might fall flat on my face.. i'm gonna give it a try!

My B00 PT. 2

this is so confusing for real
i thought it was you but its me
see i have no problem keepin it real with you
but keepin it real with myself..
i do..
i keep fighting the feelings i'm having for you
keep tellin myself no this feelin aint true
but every hug
every touch
every kiss of the lips
every morning
every night
every minute spent with you
i think i might love you

just some thoughts.. i been hella playing games you might say.. i told myself.. when i left Michael that i would never deal with another crazy x girlfriend.. because if i was gonna deal with it i might as well talk to a nigga with a kid and a crazy ass baby mom.. although she isn't confrontational like mike's x.. its too much he say she say for me... i mean i'm doin me.. but she's doin me better.. and it doesn't matter... i don't wanna hear about my love life from everybody and dey moms.. it hella irritates mee.. almost made me slip up and make the wrong decision but i hella just decided that i need to stop fighting with my happiness.. when i'm with him.. a smile stays bright.. but when its drama my whole shit be fucked..

Confused

So I thought I was so ready to see Michael and discuss this relationship thang but now that he's ready to talk... I'm not so sure... I still love him but I'm falling for R too.. so its hella irritating and confusing... I mean I know I will never go back to Michael but I'm scared that if I meet up with him then I'll b face to face with my best friend again... face to face with three years of happiness, pain, sadness, and misery.  I really don't know if I'm ready to face the beautiful nightmare again. On the other side there's R who each day I'm getting more and more attached to. I know he cares about me but this attachment is an illness... like I love waking up right next to him and laying my head on his chest til I fall asleep. I love talking to him because I feel that I can talk to him about almost anything. Whenever I'm feeling down he makes me feel better.. but everyone has flaws... I heard from a few people that he's the jealous type... kinda bothers me because that's how Michael was and I forsure don't want that... honestly I'm hella confused and it's hella been bothering me:  -(

thoughts

my thoughts are everywhere right now.. whats right and whats wrong is a thin line... is it possible for you to love 2 people at the same time?!

F00LiSH

i don't know why i feel like i can't open my heart up to anyone anymore. I used to lie about everything.. but Lies only lead to hurting.. so i decided the next time around.. i would tell the truth even if it hurt.. see because when someone tells you the truth and it hurts.. it only hurts temporarily.. but when someone lies to you and you find out.. it hurts because its like you weren't worthy enough of the truth.. I don't think I will ever know the truth.. I don't think I will ever truly trust.. But why does it have to be like this? I am so hurt right now that I want to cry.. but I told myself I would be a strong woman and I won't let any tears fall from my eyes.. Why am I letting him get to me like this?! I mean I can only blame myself.. i told him i didn't want a relationship when deep down inside I do.. i told him that I don't need him.. but deep down inside I do.. i need him to kiss my forehead and hold me tight when i had a rough day at work or school.. I need him to make me laugh when I'm stressing.. I really WANT him here.. but for the last few weeks I have been struggling with myself.. EVERYDAY.. leave him alone.. or let him stay.. if i leave him now.. i know i WiLL NOT get hurt.. i know i know.. but then i keep thinking.. what if i walk away and i'm walking out on an opportunity?! I have to let go though.. because he hasn't made me feel confident that i'm where he wants to be and i don't sit around forever waiting on no one..

OOOOOOOOOh what a Day

This is How my day is going today.. I feel like shoot 'em up bang bang.. lol.. Mid terms are stressful but I have soooooo much on my mind today so imma just do a lil paragraph on all of my thoughts for today..

One: Cognitive development mid-term.. no matter of fact.. mid-terms in general ugh.. last night i didnt wanna study but my honey made me.. he was not fuckin wid it but i'm glad because I'm pretty confident that i know all of the concepts... my only problem is that it's a mid-term, its worth a whole lot of points and I'm just nervous about it.. and it is really hurting my brain studying for this thing.. On monday i have two more mid-terms & a presentation that i need to study for ASAP!! ugh..

Two: Michael. UGH this has been bothering me for hella days only because i dont know what type of hype he gonna come home.. hopefully he will get the message and leave me alone but of course i gotta plan for the worse.. I gotta be ahead of the game.. Just gotta make sure nothing bad happens..

Three: My Boo. Now there shouldnt be any problems with him seein as he's not my man but.. of course there is.. i'm no gonna go into too much details because i don't have time but basically to make a long story short.. there's some things that we need to discuss to get on the same page...

so about this whole little love situation.. Being with someone for 3 years who wasn't right for me put a real strain on my poor lil heart.. i'm mentally damaged and i'm not tryna get hurt by no one.. So i've been playing it safe.. The truth is... I don't really know what LOVE is.. Do you?! If you do let me know.. I used to think I knew what love is.. love makes you do crazy things.. Love makes you care.. But all i can tell you is what love makes you do & what I would do for love but I still don't know if i know what love is. So as of right now.. i'm going to put love in the back of my mind and worry about school and working.. that's it.. Do i love him?! maybe. maybe not.. i'm still tryna figure that out myself..

well enough rambling and back to studying.. adios

NEVER KNEW iT WUD B THIS HARD..

Damn i think I'm falling in love with someone and I'm really not trying to.. how do i stop myself from feeling the way i feel?!?! I'm not ready 4 love or what it brings to the table.. I'm not ready to let someone get to me yet.. it hella sucks because I've been hella denying it but everyday i open my eyes and He's right there and every night when i fall asleep he's there.. i get more and more attached to him.. the cold part about it is I don't wanna b.. I don't wanna be attached to him.. i wanna be able to have the choice to leave without an excuse if i want to.. i don't know what i'm going to do ugh.. I don't want 2 have 2 try to make anyone happy I just want to be myself as I have been and do my thang.. but the bitch LOVE is messin wid me and refuses to leave me the hell alone.. so i got two options.. 1. stop fighting and let my emotions take its course or 2. kick him 2 the curb and do my thang..
My brain is hurting for thinking to long and hard.. i don't know what to do..