NEVER KNEW iT WUD B THIS HARD..

Damn i think I'm falling in love with someone and I'm really not trying to.. how do i stop myself from feeling the way i feel?!?! I'm not ready 4 love or what it brings to the table.. I'm not ready to let someone get to me yet.. it hella sucks because I've been hella denying it but everyday i open my eyes and He's right there and every night when i fall asleep he's there.. i get more and more attached to him.. the cold part about it is I don't wanna b.. I don't wanna be attached to him.. i wanna be able to have the choice to leave without an excuse if i want to.. i don't know what i'm going to do ugh.. I don't want 2 have 2 try to make anyone happy I just want to be myself as I have been and do my thang.. but the bitch LOVE is messin wid me and refuses to leave me the hell alone.. so i got two options.. 1. stop fighting and let my emotions take its course or 2. kick him 2 the curb and do my thang..
My brain is hurting for thinking to long and hard.. i don't know what to do..

HE MAKES ME WEAK.

it makes me sick really... this "friendship" is nothing like a friendship.. its more of a relationship that i refuse to have. at first i did want to eventually grow into a relationship but now i REFUSE. HONESTY. is the most important thing in a relationship and although he didn't lie to me he didn't say anything. Thats worse than a lie. I told myself I didn't want to see him again and that it would be better if I left him alone.. but the night crept up on me and i was alone.. and anyone who knows me knows.. I HATE SLEEPING ALONE.. i honestly think i have some type of phobia.. before Krystal was here and we shared a room.. then i had Michael.. and then after Michael.. Tina stayed at my house damn near the whole summer.. So when i thought about sleeping by myself.. i gave in and asked him to stay the night with me. just having him there with me made me sleep well.. so then i realized.. i think im falling in LIKE with this guy.. lol.. ugh and its so irritating because as much as i dont want to like him i do.. i mean come on now.. he does do a lot for me.. but i just came to the conclusion that were are only "friends" or were just "talking" we are not TOGETHER.. so i guess having him around for the entertainment is alright.. because when i sat down and thought.. i really couldn't be mad at him because 1. he's not my man & 2. i'm not doing anything wrong. lol.. so yeah.. he's still around i guess but i will NEVER push the subject of a relationship because naaahhh.. i just dont want one with him.. lol

Roller Coasters

Emotional roller coasters are stressful and draining. Being on one for 3 long years i was happily to safely make it back to the landing and walk away. My life is not an amusement park and never will be. in 13 days i will be face to face with my x-best friend and worst nightmare. in 13 days the operator of this long ass roller coaster ride i have been on will be released from prison. Am i afraid?! a little. but i will make sure i stand strong to him. I never really like talking about our relationship because it makes me sick to my stomach... i endured emotional and physical abuse for too long and i'm just glad i got out. I am very forgiving and i can forgive him for some of the things he has done to me but there are many things i can not and don't think i can ever forgive him for.. like that fact i can't hear out of my left ear... when he comes home i want to sit down and get everything off my chest.. i'm ready to move on.. This chapter was left unfinished and before i can move on.. i have to finish it..

WHy D0ES iT HAVE 2 BE LiKE THiS?!

WHy is 0UR GENERATi0N s0 FUCKED?! H0NESTLy.. iS ANy0NE EVEN FAiTHFUL ANyM0RE?! WHy D0 FEMALES FiGHT 0VER MALES KN0WiNG THAT THEy W0ULDNT D0 THE SAME.. WHy D0 FEMALES ACCEPT THE STUPiD SHiT MALES D0?! WHy W0ULD A W0MAN EVER ACCEPT THAT HER MAN HAS AN0THER W0MAN? i REALLy D0NT UNDERSTAND RELATi0NSHiPS && WHy N0 0NE BELiEVE'S iN G0iNG 0UT 0N DATES, GETTiNG 2 KN0W EACH 0THER, HAViNG A FAiTHFUL RELATIONSHIP && GETTING MARRIED AND THEN HAVING KIDS?! D0ES ANy0NE BELIEVE IN THAT STILL?! BECAUSE I D0.. S000.. I GUESS THIS SEMESTER ILL HAVE STRAIGHT A'S AGAIN BECAUSE IM S00 C00 0FF THE NIGS.. I ONLY HAVE ME && AS L0NG AS I'M HAPPY IM STRAIGHT.

LENT.

F0r lent i am giving up sweets, junk food, unhealthy food, and all juices except water.. lets see if i can do it. lol

My B00

REALLy.. HAVE Y0U EVER MET S0ME0NE && L00KED AT THEM && SAiD i WUD NEVER MESS WiD HiM 0N THAT LEVEL && THEN A FEW M0NTHS LATER Y0U WANNA B HiS GiRL?! LOL... YUP THATS ME.. iT MAKES ME SICK S0METIMES.. I L0VE BEING AR0UND HIM.. I REALLY D0.. BUT IM VERY SCARED.. I D0NT WANNA GET HELLA ATTACHED T0 HIM && THEN ITS ALL BAD.. BUT THEN I D0NT WANNA BE T00 DISTANT AND MISS 0UT YA KN0W.. I GUESS IMMA JUST G0 WITH THE FLOW.. LOL.. I JUST D0NT WANNA REGRET ANYTHING LATER..

STEPHANiES BDAy WEEKEND..

imma start this blog off with a picture 0f the amigas && soriya.. lol we started my sisters bday weekend off with nails in the morning and clubbin at night.. it took us forevs to get ready but we finally stepped out.. lol.. imma skip some details to protect the innocent but basically i was the dessy ((designated driver)) & it was so funny seein my girls in action lol kinda irritating but funny at the same time.. the next day we had a movie night because the girls were still hella hung over from the day before and it was hella fun just chillen talkin hella shit.. then Sunday we went to PF Chang's for her bday dinner and i lost my freakin HEARiNG AiD!! ugh.. i just spent hella money on that shit.. oh well.. just gotta take it as a loss.. so basically if i ask you to repeat yourself muliple times dont be mad at me okay.. lmao.. but basically we had hella fun and i love hanging out with the amigas chillen and relaxin..