Puzzled

There is a piece of the puzzle missing.

I cannot find it..

With that piece missing.. 

The puzzle will be incomplete..

I go searching for it.. 

Finding other puzzle pieces but not the one that fits..

I search four hours, days, months..

No piece that fits.. 

I found a piece that looked like it would fit..

And found myself disappointed when I found out that it did not fit..

Then someone told me where I could find the missing piece..

He told me to close my eyes and dream of the missing piece..

I closed my eyes tight and searched for the missing piece in my mind.. 

In my dream I found the missing piece.. 

And I was happy again..

The picture that the puzzle presented was elegant..

I felt complete..

The puzzle was complete.. 

But..

Then I woke up and realized it was only a dream..

That the someone who told me I could find the missing piece only sold me a dream..

So here I am..

On the search.. 

For the missing puzzle piece..

The piece.. 

That  will make my puzzle complete..

Without you

When days turn to nights and your not by my side, a cloudy mist of melancholy surfaces my soul and takes over. Tears start to form a puddle on my pillow chilling my cheek and forcing mucus to run from my nose.  The pain I cannot stand and I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from coming out but they slip through the creases in my eyes and continue to fall.  My hearts cringing, yearning for you.  To have you touch me, to have you kiss me, to have you hold me.  To have you  wipe the tears from my eyes and make everything okay.  But your never coming back, you'll never kiss me again.  You'll never make it okay because you decided to walk away.  As the days pass, the tears stop coming and getting through the nights become easier.  I realize that there is more to life that makes me happy besides your kiss, your touch, your sweet embrace... I smile more and laugh all the time and you have become just chapter in the book of my life..

Relationships are sometimes hard to move on from but trust me.. it gets easier! :-)

Self-confidence

Self-confidence is defined as believing in oneself.  My definition of Self-confidence is when no matter how many people doubt you, you believe in yourself.  Self-confidence is something that I struggled with ((and sometimes still do)) a few years ago because I always thought that whatever I did had to be approved good or bad by my friends and family.  I soon realized that most people I know are negative and never approved of anything I did no matter how good it was.  I developed a "i don't give a fuck" attitude and started believing in myself.  Thus i gained confidence.  Since then I am extremely confident in myself.  I refuse to let anyone make me second guess myself.  If you aren't very confident in yourself, others sense that and will take advantage of you.  So readers... are you confident in yourself??

WHy?

Why do we laugh?

Why do we cry?

Why do we even try?

Why do we love?

Why do we hate?

Why do we wait until its too late?

Why are we confident?

Why are we insecure?

Why do we wait for someone else to find a cure?

Why do others affect us?

Why do others get to us?

Why do we let them show and prove to us?

Why is this uncertainty coming over me?

How can I go from confidence to insecurities taking over me?

Late at night

...while I was sleep, he whispered "I love you too" into my ear.

Simple Things in Life

oh how I enjoy the simple things in life..

like receiving that text message

Or finally getting off of work..

like sitting here in complete silence listening to the

sounds of my fingers stroke the keyboard...

Or Hasani's little snores..

I feel accomplished.

I've completed the impossible.

I've put the screaming,

restless...

baby to bed and now here I sit at this computer,

ready to write.

Simple things..

Like being in my favorite place..

Having those strong arms wrapped around me..

Or painting my fingernails..

One white..

Four blue..

Simple things..

Like joking with my brother..

Or reading a book..

Or writing my own..

Simple things..

Like coloring with the kids at work..

Or going for a long walk..

Or hating the pictures he loves the most..

Simple things..

Like being in love...

Or chocolate chip cookies..

Or pretty bright orange sunflowers...

Simple things..

Simple things make me happy..

No money

No car

No materialistic thing..

Can make me more happy than..

Simple things..

The best feeling ever!!

I open my eyes and I see your brown face open your brown eyes and look at me.  A smile appears on my face and my heart feels warm. The feeling i'm feeling is indeed the best feeling ever.  Like eating a chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven.  Like enjoying things you've never enjoyed before.  Like knowing that you've fallen and finding no need to get up.


For so long I fought this feeling.
That this feeling of love for him could not exist.
 The love i knew before left me so uncertain about ever loving again.
 But this love... This love is like nothing I've ever experienced before.
This love keeps a smile on my face, and others noticing.
This love makes me sing and dance and laugh.
This love makes me happy that I finally gave him a chance

Hershey Kiss

Dreamy eyes,
Smiling ear to ear
heart beatin out my chest
butterflies live in my belly

His smooth chocolate skin makes me weak
His kisses tickle my spine
His hands own my body
His eyes hypnotize me

i just can't get enough of him.  

He's like a drug and I'm addicted.  

I need a fix, quick. 

Gets me so high from his kisses, i'm floatin

At night...

sometimes at night i sit here and i think about everything that I have been through.. so happy that I met you.  I write because it soothes me.  I write because it gets me through.  There's one place I'd like to be right now.  In his arms where I feel safe and secure.  But my past is haunting me.. just one thing i've been holding in.  I have to let it out..

Trust

TRUST.  A simple five letter word but such a hard thing for most people to do.   What is trust?  To me, trust is when you are extremely confident that someone or something will not deceive you.  But why is it so hard for most to trust?  Bad experiences in the past?  Not knowing the TRUE definition of trust?  They are not trustworthy themselves?

I used to say that I had NO trust issues, regardless of what happened in the past, I trusted everyone that I decided to bring into my life but that was not completely true.  Trust for me is gradual.. I meet you, your cool.. you make it to me coming to your place, I trust you a little.. You make it to where my feelings get involved with you.. i trust you a lot.. one thing I would NEVER do it hold someone accountable for things  that have happened in my past.. sure past experiences and relationships shape us as people but regardless of how much heartache or traumatizing experiences I've had I would never think that the next man is going to cheat on me just because my ex-boyfriend did.

Trust is similar to Love but also different.  Love, its easy to fall in love.. a constant challenge to maintain.. and hard to fall out of love.. Its hard to trust someone, once you do its a constant challenge for them to maintain.. and easy to lose.. Basically what I'm saying is stop being so caught up in who has done your wrong in the past and live for the future.. trust someone.

Rendezvous

He kissed me on my neck
Nibbled my ear
stroked my cheek

He turns me on,
i'm on cloud 9
so high from his lovin

He makes me moan
a sweet moan like a lullaby
tears falling from my eyes

Hes sweet like honey
hot like fire
melts me like butta

He's dark as the night
I'm  light as the day
oppisites attact ♥

Happiness :-)

What does happiness mean to me?  Happiness is even when my world is unstable.. I still find a reason to smile.  My brother Marquis keeps me sane when I feel like i cant put up with anymore negativity.  He is so caring and always has a way of making fun of me but making me and my friends laugh. He even lets my bummy ass stay with him when I have nowhere else to go!  I guess what i'm trying to say is, my brother ROCKS!!!!! Y'ALL AINT GOT NOTHIN ON HIM!!!

kthanxbye!!!!!

Brown Sugar

Who would have ever knew that you would make my heart go pitter patter ((hehehe)) Who would have ever knew that you would be the one to put a smile on my face.  You make me happy just doing the simplest things.. At first my ♥ was cautious, afraid let you in.. but once I did I was happy I did and i've been smiling ever since.

I like how we are different but somehow are still attracted to each other.. like how you wanna a big dog and i want a little ol yorkie.. or u perfer the big city and i perfer the suburbs.. I like how your a socialite and I'm more of a home body.. but you teach me to get out more.. be more friendly lol... just knowing that i have you around excited me.. I really can't wait to see what the future has in store.. ♥

opposites attract ♥

After the storm..

A few weeks ago, my life was chaotic... i didn't know whether I was coming or going.. I felt like the sky was falling & it was only falling on me.. even my co-workers noticed something was wrong.. this kid at work threw a ball and hit me in the head and instead of doing my normal take the ball away for a few minutes i threw the ball back at him and let him continue to play.. now anybody who knows me knows i was straight trippen..

But today is another day.. I am not completely one hundred percent happy with life ((things can always be better)) but I am content.. I stand alone.. I don't need anyone to make me happy.  I have me, myself, and I :-) Love is a struggle, but I have a feeling that love will get better :-)... All around, things have gotten better for me.. i'm in the process of looking for a new place for me and moms, i've been getting better hours at work.. I've been spending time with my baby bro.. Swimming.. catching up on my EJD books.. Right now.. life is going well.. I sit back and laugh that 3 weeks ago I was crying my eyes out.. now today I feel soo much better.. I told you i was strong.. I told you i was Wonder Woman :-)

Nobody...

Understands.

Stormy Weather

After the storm... usually the sun shines.. the question is.. how long does the storm last?? you sit in the house staring outside at the rain pouring down splashing against the asphalt thinking to yourself.. when is this rain going to end?? When am I going to be able to go outside and enjoy the sun..

Well that is exactly how I feel right about now.. Although its sunny and hot ((its the first day of summer)) its stormy in my life.. As I lay in bed I ask myself.. when will I stop feeling like this?  When will I be all smiles and laughs again.. Love is a hell of a drug.. It can make u feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can stop you.. to making you feel like your whole world has crashed and crumbled like the twin towers..  To see my lover and best friend behind bars again hurts.. I feel like i failed.. like our love wasn't strong enough... but then again I realize that you can not control no one's destiny.. they can only control their own.. So i give up.. 3.6 years together and I can't keep him out of jail.  Me being an educated woman know that I deserve so much more.. But it's hard giving up something that I'm so used to.. It's hard giving up love.. I know that I will always love him no matter what.. I know that he will always hold that special place in my heart.. BUT i have to do it this time.. I can't say i'm going to do it & go back this time.. I have to keep my head up high and walk away..

Dear Michael

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?? I just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like someone has come and ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.. When will I see you again? Why are we going through this again?  Why?  Don't you care?  I feel like my heart is broken and your the only one who can fix it.  How do you sleep at night knowing that you let me down.  You kissed my lips and you Promised me that you wouldn't do anything to land you back downtown.  You called me.  You said, "Momma, I'm coming home" I was happy excited.  3:30AM. No call, no text.. I woke up, something was wrong.  typed in your x-ref.. and there you are.. 651 I St.  Where you promised me you would never end up.  Like a fool I believed you.  Like a fool I though because you were really turning your life around that you wouldn't do something as foolish as drinking and driving.. What am I going to do without you? My head is pounding and the tears won't stop.  My life is incomplete without you.  I feel so heartless.. I feel so numb.  I feel so dead.  I don't feel alive.. I promised you I'd give you my all if you met me halfway... I just don't know what to do anymore Michael. My heart is sitting downtown my heart is not coming home today nor tomorrow..

I Miss You

I miss opening my eyes and staring at your beautiful brown skin.  I miss planting small kisses on your forehead and nose while you sleep peacefully.  I miss watching you open your eyes and smiling at me.  I miss laying in your arms secure as can be.  I miss laughing and joking with each other for hours and hours.  I miss kissing your soft lips.  I miss receiving your back rubs.  I miss our dates to our secret Chinese spot.  I miss riding in the car with you singing songs together.  I miss you laying in between my legs while I touch up your dreads.  I miss laying on your chest and hearing your heart beat.  I miss our dinner nights.  I miss being able to come to you for almost anything.  I miss knowing that every night you would be there.  I miss kissing you goodnight, and knowing you was going to hold me throughout the whole night.  I miss our friendship.  I miss our companionship.  I miss our relationship.

LOVE

So I just got finished reading this book called "Spoiled Rotten" by Brandi Johnson.  I don't want to go too much into the book, if you wanna know you should read it.. its a good book.. but anyways.. On the last page of the book, there is this poem about love.. I liked it soo much that i thought i'd share it..

Love is

((From Brandi Jonson's "Spoiled Rotten"))

Love is something that cannot be broken.

Love is not a word that can be spoken. 

Love is an action, it's something that you do.

Love is something that's shared between me and you.

Love is not bad, love is good.

If you never had a chance to love, I recommend you should.

Love is something that makes you smile.

Love is something that makes living life worthwhile.

I love love, its my heart and desire.

I love love, because it sets my soul on fire.  

I Love You

i Love this picture, so i'd thought i'd open up this late night blog.. with this picture.. Okay.. its 2:16AM && i haven't blogged in a few days.. mainly because I've been trying to find myself.  I am a hopeless romantic.. I love being in love.. ((you probably can tell by my last posts)) Lately, I've been realizing that I have been fighting love.  I've been forcing myself to communicate and be around people that I have no interest in.. trying to rid myself of Love.. well I'ma F'n admit it.. I AM IN LOVE!!! I love poppa.. but I can't have him.. I cannot be with him.. it will never work.. It hella hurts.. HELLA HURTS!! But I enjoy the time that I get to spend with him..  We went out to lunch earlier today to our old restaurant & sat in our favorite booth, ordered the same exact thing we ate every other time.. i missed our Monday lunch dates to that old restaurant.. I loved the conversations we had , the kisses we shared.. I miss that.. I really do.. Our relationship is beyyooond damaged.. it would take a miracle to fix this.. I love him and I know that he love me, but we have some real growing to do before it can ever work out.. I have been in denial for so long, it hurts my feelings.. 

I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I know our relationship is not strong, its far from it.. It's probably the most dysfunctional relationship on the planet.. but thats my poppa, my baby, my honey.. my EVERYTHING... I don't know.. i don't think it will ever work between us.  The trust was lost a looooooooooooooong time ago.. Things have happened that we cannot change nor fix.. I just know that I am not ready to move on to no one new until I cease the feelings I have for my poppa.. As long as I am in love with him.. another relationship with someone else will never have its chance to blossom..

Me Time.

So for the past few days i have been hidden away in my own little sanctuary ((my room)) by myself, figuring some things out in my mind. So this is what i have been doing...

Old lady right? Lol. well, i started crocheting when Michael used to leave me alone in Wilton bored as hell, I want to make a nice thick, comfy scarf.. so i've been doing this to think out some things..

So Much 2 Say,

YOU can't change anyone, but yourself.
3 years of my life.
He was my best friend, made me laugh & cry
I remember when he asked me to be his girl.
We were in the deers at his house.
I knew he was gonna be leaving soon but i still accepted.
He got 9 months,
Pain. Anger. Hell...
November 3, 2007 he comes home.
Excited, Happy, but not him.
He didn't expect to see my face, he didn't want me there.
See, i'm not meant to be the girl/wife of an inmate.
I can't write letters everyday, I can't visit 2 times a week, I can't anticipate that collect call I JUST CANT
He would play the coming & going game trying not to get attached,
Then January 1, 2008, He stayed home.
He fell in love.
I fell in love ♥.
((This is where my memory starts to get a little unclear so everything can not be included..))
i don't remember the events up to the accident.
I remember waking up in UC Davis hospital with a neck brace on my neck confused as hell.
I asked for him,
They got me a phone.
I called him.
He answered.
He said he was coming.
I waited.
& waited.
&& waited.
I hate him.
I went to Berkely.
Finally passed the damn memory test & they let me come home.
He came.
I was weak.
foolish.
stupid.
But i will give him credit.
i had facial paralysis, i looked like an ogre.
he put eye drops in my eyes and ear drops in my eyes,
he massaged my cheek muscles
he took care of me,
a recovery that was expected to take 6 months 2 a year took 3 to 4 months
downhill from there.
i was better.
from here.
to there.
to weekends by myself in the middle of nowhere.
i was not happy.
2 year anniversary.
the best anniversary.
good, good, good.
2009.
Bad Bad Bad.
Prison.
I left.
Here we stand now.
2 confused souls.
He wants me,
He doesn't want to change.
I refuse to be with someone who HAS to have other girls.
& his excuse is i left him.
I deserved the world.
I deserve everything.
Because I gave My everything for him.
I gave him my all.
So now its back to the back and forth.
Sickens me to my stomach.
I give up,
It hurts too much.

untitled

Late night blog

Late night thoughts please take me away,

To a dreamland so full of my hopes for today

Give me peaceful sleep

A night so still

Another breath to breathe tomorrow

Another day to fill

Give me happiness and joy

With children's laughter and play

Oh dear night please bring me

A beautiful and sunny today.

Closing my eyes and goodnight

Not Happy...

... So i will write write write til i figure out what the hell is wrong with me.. I feel like i've been giving giving giving to everyone and everyone is taking taking taking.. but i'm not receiving nothing back in return. Every experience you have, you learn something.. You learn more about the world, and you learn more about yourself.. what I have learned about myself the last few days is that I am hurting more than I'm willing to admit.. so now I will admit.. I am hurting inside.. Strong-willed Wonder Woman is hurting inside. I feel like I deserve so much but I'm not receiving it.. I been through too much the last 3 years, feeling free of black eyes and being locked up in a room, i realized the dating game is kinda scary.. i never dated as an adult & the first encounter i'm plagued.. from my parents bs.. 2 no hours at work, i am F'n tired of this ish & need a change.. so lets do some changing Jay Jay

Roller coaster

We are like a roller coaster. Going up is exciting, the anticipation is amazing, but the drop is heart wrenching.. this bipolarness you show sickens me.  I am content without you then like a thief u come and try and steal my feelings 4 you back.  So, not fair. But the game has ended. I resign, for the first time Ill say "I quit".

Just Listen..

.. so yesterday.. although i haven't seen him or talked to him in forever.. Randy calls me and says he needs to talk to me.. so whatevs.. i'm a cool person, talk. Basically, he didn't do much talking.. matter of fact.. i did all of the talking.. See Randy basically PLAYED me.. i've never been played by no nigga.. but that nigga played me.. i'm not gonna go into much details.. but i will say, you can do me wrong.. and i will forgive you.. i'm very optimistic and living in the past gets you nowhere.. but he will have to live with the consequences so thats him.. but anyways.. when we were talking.. i asked him if he knew who he was.. like honestly deep down inside.. do you know who you are now, who you want to be.. etc.. he didn't really know.. I asked him if he knew what made me happy.. keep in mind i was around him everyday for 5 months so he should have a pretty good understanding of what makes me happy.. he had no clue.. i asked him if he knew what made him happy.. he had no clue.. Pretty much he was lost.. so this is what i told him.. i told him he had the potential to be a great man but he's too busy trying to be what everyone else wants him to be and not being himself.. he's too stuck on trying to make everyone else happy and is skipping out on his star player.. the reaction i got from him was not what i expected but i think he needed to reach a status of disequilibrium before he reaches a state of equilibrium. I told him that he had to leave everyone alone and worry about himself before he could reach that..

there will never be another chance of being blessed with my presence and having me as his girl.. but i told him, i'd be his friend.. whenever he needs to talk or get things out i'm available.. Damn i'm good.. because this morning he tweeted about what I said.. As long as he made a mental note of what i said and took it into a consideration.. i did my job.. i'm done..

In my past relationships, I have been through it all.. from Michael blacking my eyes, to Randy and his infidelity... But no matter what i've been through.. i would never hold the next person that is blessed with having me as their girl accountable for anything those lames do.. if you have been in a relationship before when male/female has done you wrong.. don't let those insecurities get the best of you.. learn from your mistakes and move on... learn to be a better person.. sitting around, living your life day by day letting others actions in the past affect your future is quite stupid.. live your life for you and no one else.. i'm not perfect, but i'm working on it..

Pooh Bear..

... Can I be your honey?? lol.. when i first talked to him, i thought, he's pretty interesting.. but when i first met him.. i thought he was A M A Z I N G!! lol so far, so good.. i like spending time with him.. there's never a dull moment.. he keeps me smiling, laughing.. keeps me content.. we will c how this thang goes..

MEMORiES

so, i'm laying in bed.. right before i go to work and I decided to look in my good old photobucket.. enjoy


lol.. me & krystal.. we used to use our brothers girls to pay for us to take pics.. lol we would be in one hour photo every weekend..



Homecoming with Jalil..



LOL. My lil brother Marquis when he was like 12 or 13



Me & senior Ball



My doggie Koda ((rip))



High School Grad with my mommy



My nephew Malachi ((RIP))


my fat days at pacific ((yuck))


My sister & I


Krystal and I



My old light rail days


Summer 2007 ((below))













Summer 2008 ((below))





Summer 2009













thee end.. wonder what summer 2010 has to bring!

Wonder Woman

I am wonder woman.. whatever bullshit you throw my way.. I might be down for a minute but not for long.. I guarantee if you do me wrong you will regret everything you have done to hurt me... Because I'm not going to sit around and let it happen again.. I'm gonna get up on my feet and do it movin.. and like I have said before.. I'm constantly trying to upgrade my life.. So if you don't think the next is going to be better than you.. your fooled..

I am a great woman.. i have my flaws ((everyone does)).. But i'm constantly working on ways to improve myself everyday.. Chaos does not exist here anymore.. I know that whoever is blessed to be my man next will get the best of me.. because I'm not getting younger.. I want to build a solid foundation with someone and hopefully one day get married and have kids.. ((in that order)).. I know that I can be a good girlfriend, wife, mother.. Just gotta find my Superman, My king..

For too long I settled for less because of my own self esteem but I realize that no one makes me who I am except MYSELF.. In the past I wasn't honest with myself.. I told myself that I wasn't good enough.. Only to realize that I'm way better than what I'm giving myself credit for... I'm no longer worried about a man making me happy, but simply making myself happy.. and if a man does make me happy... then thats a bonus... Men come and go.. no reason to let anything they do affect the way I feel.. I make the decisions in my life.. and i live with the consequences so its time to LIVE and leave the negative people alone..

Always,

Jay Jay
((your wonder woman))

ART

what does this picture say to you?

SOMEONE NEW..

...Someone different.. very interesting.. makes me smile, laugh.. gives me butterflies.. but like i said he's SOMEONE NEW!! so i'm still skeptic.. So far so good.. but really only time will tell what the future has in store.

STRESS

This stress that i'm putting myself through is causing my body to really shut down.. i have so many things wrong with me right now that it's not even funny. 2 More weeks of school and its time for me to start relaxin.. i can't worry about everyone else no more.. because aint nobody worryin about me..

Disaster

I never knew that someone could have such an impact on your life in such little amount of time until i met you. I never knew how much of negativity you would bring until your true colors came to light. Your straight selfish. Sold me a dream and sat there laughing as my tears dropped. Your presence is poisonous. You have poisoned my life with your hopes and dreams of utopia when you knew utopia never existed. You played me like a puppet.. pulling my strings controlling my mind... you crushed me. took my little heart out of my chest and stomped it to the ground with your foot. You did this to me when all I ever did to you was be honest.

But misery loves company. And company you shall have. I can forgive you for your stupidity and selfishness. I can forgive you for doing what you do...

You have to live with never knowing what it would have been like to have ME as your girl. You have to live with the regret.. Just remember you made your bed.. now lay in it.

i'm sorry

my life has been flooded with so much bullshit that i haven't even been in the mood to sit down and express how i feel... I feel so reeetarded it's not even funny. I honestly will admit that I think I have low self esteem.. and I honestly think this low self esteem was brought amongst be through either society or my culture/up bringing. I never understand why I settle for less. I always thought that it was only me but when I look at my sisters we all do it. I'm beautiful, educated and know I can have and deserve someone who is just as beautiful and educated as me. But still I find myself settling for less. Why? I'm really trying to figure this out..

I feel like I have been lied to too much to really trust.. but then I had to think.. why when I am trying to give my all, be honest, i'm falling flat on my face? For so many years I haven't been honest and its finally coming to bite me in the ass.. I dont know tho.. this blog makes no sense to me.. so if you understand lol fill me in..

I want to be lost in a love where I am the only person that matters.. I've never had that feeling with anyone.. there was ALWAYS someone there.. ugh.. Makes me feel like i'm not good enough to be the only one. well i'm gonna go now i'm done.

EMPTiNESS

She woke up this morning like she did every other morning. She woke up, flipped over ready to kiss her husband on the forehead and forgot that his side of the bed was empty. Mornings like this brought flashbacks to her eyes of the events that lead to the emptiness she felt today.

She was upset with him. In fact, she hated him for the fact that for years she had wanted to start a family and he always wanted to wait. He was a producer and took his career seriously. He said he didn't want to have kids until they were wealthy enough to live comfortably. Now that they were comfortable, her body wouldn't let her. She spent thousands of dollars in fertility drugs and each time she was blessed with a pregnancy, it ended in miscarriage. This was her 5th miscarriage in two years and she was slowly falling apart.

The morning that started the confusion, she had came home form the hospital. He wanted to comfort her and hold her but she didn't want to be touched let alone be around him. She cried and screamed, her heart feeling as if it had been ripped out of her chest. He knew he would be leaving for a week on a business trip and didn't want to leave her feeling alone and miserable. He told her he would cancel the trip and stay but she told him she wanted to be alone. She told him she hated him. So at 9pm that night, he boarded a plane to New York and left her sitting there crying wishing he would have read her signs and stayed.

His leaving made her anger for him grow. She hated that he always had to leave her. She thought it would be better if she had a son or daughter to stay with her when she traveled, but he couldn't even give her that. She decided she would find someone else to fill her void. At first she wanted someone as a companion. Someone she could do things like go to the nail shop and shop with. But when she reached for her sister or cousins, they were busy raising their children and being wives. Then she met someone. He was the complete opposite from her husband, he loved to be around her and make her laugh and she loved having his company. They became close instantly, spending long hours on the phone together at night, going out for lunch everyday, enjoying each minute that the spent together. In fact, she enjoyed him so much that she started to dread the time that she spent with her busy husband. When she was with her husband she would count down the days until he would leave and she could be back with her lover.

Eventually she fell in love with him and decided that she was going to leave her husband to be with him. She packed up all of her clothes, put it in her car and left a note to her husband telling him that she had found someone else and would not be returning. Then she drove to her lovers house. Excited about starting a new relationship with him, she was not prepared for what was to come.

She realized she had never actually been inside his house. She would always drop him off a few houses down and he would walk up to the door and way goodbye. She was excited to see what her new home would look like. When she arrived at his house, she took out her compact mirror and fixed her make up putting another coat of lip gloss on her lips. She was so nervous and excited that she failed to realize another car parked in front which carried a car seat in the back. When she knocked on the door, a woman answered. This totally caught her by surprise. She thought she had the wrong house but decided to ask the woman if this was her lovers house. The woman told her yes he lived there and that she was his wife. Her heart dropped. The whole time he had a wife and in the back she could hear a baby crying. Before he came to the door, she walked back to her car and drove off.

Tears started to fall out of her eyes. The whole time she had this relationship with her lover she had been completely honest. She told him that she was married and that she hated her husband for not giving her the child she had always wanted. He said he was single and that he had no children only to find out every night when he left her he went home to his child and beautiful wife. She didn't know what to do. Then she thought about the note that she wrote. She had just enough time to get home and destroy the note before her husband got home and read it. She sped down the highway to her home praying that she beat her husband home. When she arrived and realized he was already there, she rushed in the house and looked at him reading the letter, tears falling down his eyes. She tried to explain that she had made a mistake and that she really loved him and wanted to make everything work. He was so hurt that it made it hard for him to look at her. He went in their room, packed his bag, kissed her on the forehead, and whispered goodbye. Right as he left, he changed his phone number and she never heard from him again.

This morning she woke up empty. Every morning she woke up empty. One little mistake and she lost everything. She lost her husband and was never blessed with a child. Every morning she woke up wishing she could change things but there was no way she could. She was left alone to fight with herself.

i'm just FUCKiN irritated

Today just ain't my day.. first my cousin and sister think its cool to gang up on me about my flaws.. like BITCH nobody wants to wake up to you two bitches tag teaming me.. Then i get a text from Randy letting me know that he's gonna be home today. Like what the fuck you hittin me for? But that's not even what irritated me.. what irritated me was that that bitch ass nigga gonna say, "so i see you got back with michael.." BITCH WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! when i asked him who the hell told him that because it aint true.. he gonna say someone told me that's what your facebook and twitter said!! WHAT THE FUCK! well tell that nosey ass person to mind they own business.. hella irritating why you worried about me.. i could have sworn you was up in LA cakin wid yo bitch so why you still worried about what I do. ooooooooooooooooh and don't even get me started about michael.. this mutha fucka is getting on my damn nerves as well.. i don't have time for this bullshit i swear..

UPDATE

Right now i'm sitting her kind of feeling emotionless.. well not emotionless but more like i cant find a word to describe the feeling that i am feeling right now. so i have been having the roughest two weeks ever and it seems like when something good happens.. something bad accompanies it.. but the bad is bombarding the good. Yesterday I had said I had to be careful what I say on my blogs because I have crazy people reading my blogs.. but F that.. i'm going to be completely 100 percent honest and come out and say how I am really feeling.

Last Tuesday we had court for my nice Kaniya. My brother was found to be the father ((yay)) they continued it another month, because now my brother needs a lawyer.. but we got visitation rights so hopefully I will be able to meet her finally!! That's better than nothing ya know..

Last Tuesday was also ((INSERT NAME HERE)) birthday. I honestly got played tho. See he has been asking me to come over and spend the night since Sunday. I spent the night every night.. but then turned around and still went to LA with his x.. ((which he is at right now)). You know since he wasn't my boyfriend I wasn't mad that he was going because I have no right to say anything. But i was mad that he played me.. Being hella nice to me to make it okay.. and also the way he makes me look to everyone else.. like a dumb Bitch.. so basically I blocked him on twitter and blocked his number from calling me.. I'm done.. too much unnecessary stress.. too many things going on in my life right now that I do not have time to be stressing over no man who I am not even committed to.

School. Good news and bad news. So I need to petition to graduate for Spring 2011 but Sac State once again has thrown a curve ball at me. One, this semester they only allow you to add 14 units when i need to take 18 to 19. Second, because they did that I was only allowed to sign up for four classes and now i'm going to try to add two more.. ugh this is just so stupid.. but yeah at least i'm graduating soon. I talked to Michael and he's gonna ask my old momma - in - law if she can do a recommendation paper for me to apply to credential school. I would really appreciate that. So school wise things are going alright...

Now the subject where most of the time i hold my tongue. SLiCK.. not much to say besides i hope that everything works out for the better.

CL0SURE.

yesterday i felt my heart jump out of my chest with her bandana on a stick and wave a silent goodbye as she splashed into the asphalt and crumbled to pieces. yesterday, I lost the only person in this world that meant the world to me. yesterday, I found my closure. As much negativity Michael has brought to my life, I still cared about him. I still loved him. Since he came home in March we've been going back and forth. One moment i'm the only one in this world he want to be around.. but I do not wanna be around him.. The next moment.. he's the only person in this world I want to be around.. and he doesn't want to be around me.. I LOVE him though.. I think I always will. But I realize that this relationship is unhealthy and to keep on pushing it would be like jumping off of a cliff. So i put my pen down and stop writing.. I stop trying to find a happy ending for a story that was never a fairytale.. I drop a few tears.. and exhale.. i'm going to be alright.