well...

f0r the last 2.6 years i have been g0ing thr0ugh s0 much tryin 2 stand by my man like a d0wn ass female is supposed 2 d0... ive been faithful and havent cheated and now im tired of being on this r0ller c0aser... s0 im jumpin 0ff the ride and yes.. ive landed 0n my tw0 feet... its g00d th0ugh because i will be 0kay... im 21 and i have many years 2 l0ok f0rward t0o.. at first i was alright becuz although i l0st m0st 0f my friends i had my b0o by my side s0 i was g0od.. but then.. he left me... and expected me t0 b sittin here waiting... but wh0 did i have here 2 help me survive?! n0b0dy becuz i didnt talk 2 any0ne anymore... but y0u kn0w what... i have s0me friends that i h0nestly c0nsider my true friends... First & f0rm0st...MD... u are my friend... whenever i needed 2 talk.. u was available.. whenever u needed to talk about ur girl.. i wasnt.. but u didnt d0 me dirty... u was still my friend.. Alth0ugh we fight and bicker like were enemies... My friend mukhaye... becuz she is a stupid bz.. lol.... naw but she keeps me 0n an adult level and n0t g0in back 2 my 0ld ways 0f m0ppin a bitch 0r nigga... And last but n0t least!! hayw0od freakin D0uglas!! Drunk ass nigga!! lol... but yeah.. im simply tryin to survive.. im s0 excited 2 g0 2 the bay area this weekend... ive never been so excited in my life!! lol... but basically i just wanna live.. not go through drama like im married.. because as much as i was brain washed into thinkin we was ever gonna get married... we arent.. But yup thats all i have 2 say right now..

iTs funny reading 0ld bl0gs

last tuesday i was s0 happy and n0w im crappy wdf!

i Am tired 0f being let d0wn

IM h0nestly C0nsidering m0ving 0n with my life... i kn0w it will be hard at first.. but i will 0verc0me.. i just need the 0nes that are cl0se 2 me.. which isnt a lot to stand by my side.. i kn0w n0bd0y wants 2 hear me whine and c0mplain all the time.. but if y0u were ever g0ing thr0ugh a hard time.. i w0uld m0st definately h0ld y0u down.. pleae believe.. but idk.. yesterday he came h0me but didnt want 2 c me.. i have 2 w0rk at 5 t0day and if i d0nt see him bef0re that im cl0sing the b0ok and opening up a new 0ne.. ill d0 the single thing f0r a while.. and then eventually ill find s0me0ne wh0 is w0rth my time.. i have 2 much p0tential t0 let s0me0ne make me feel miserable..

s0metimes y0u have 2 let g0 && see what happens...

I LOVE michael unc0nditionally but What am i t0 d0 ab0ut my current situation... i want 2 believe him s0 bad but what if every0ne else is right.. I understand that i have been a m0nster the last few m0nths and i deserve pay back... but Karma is a straight bitch and this shit is straight t0rture... 0mg im g0nna die!! i miss him s0 much and i d0nt kn0w what 2 d0.. L0ve is Crazy... 0nce y0u fall in l0ve its like y0u are trapped and there is n0 way 0ut.. h0w much y0u try... i d0nt want t0 leave him.. i really d0nt.. i feel like i put in t0o much time and eff0rt int0 this relati0nship f0r it t0 just end.. but i want 0ur relati0nship 2 b less cha0tic and m0re l0vin... we had that... but what happened... where did we g0 wr0ng.. when did we turn 0ur backs 0n each 0ther.. was it me?? was it him?? was it 0ther pe0ple?? what was it? he says he still wants 2 be with me... but i d0nt know.. s0 basically ill have t0 wait and find 0ut what happens..

i d0nt want 2 b disapp0inted..

t0day is my last final and michael t0ld me he was g0ing t0 be there... yesterday he had 2 d0 s0mething with his dad and i kn0w h0w his dad is... theyll be g0ne f0rever.. s0 he texted me ar0und 7 or 8ish and asked what time my final was at and i said 10 but im leavin at 9. s0 he said 0kay and i asked if he was c0ming and he never texted back.. s0 this m0rning when i g0t up i called him & it was either dead or 0ff.. n0w i d0nt want 2 w0rry myself t0o much but if he d0esnt c0me ill be s0 disapp0inted in him.. unless s0me0ne is dead 0r in the h0spital.. n0ne 0f his excuses will w0rk.. because i t0ld him ab0ut this like a m0nth ag0 and i kept 0n reminding him.. & hes my supp0rt.. but yeah.. maybe i need 2 st0p trippin.. maybe everything will be 0kay.. but what if it d0esnt.. what d0 i d0? this is s0mething that we cant plan t0 see an0ther day.. i dont know but im stressin myself 0ut s0 im gonna end this n0te.

0mg a FUCKiN C?!

i got a freakin c in geol 8 and im so upset. en0ugh sed..

What a Wonderful day..

Besides the fact that i had a final that was mind boggling.. i had a wonderful day.. lets recap..w0ke up at 430 in the morning.. f0r s0me weird reas0ns.. because i t0tally have attachment issues.. every night before i g0 t0 sleep i talk 2 my silly bear.. and last night we were texting and then we stopped and i fell asleep and because i didnt say good night to him i tossed and turned all night!! abs0lutely sucks!! but then i started studying for the final... but i was too engaged in blooger, myspace, and facebook that my studying wasnt going to well.. but it was open book, open note so i wasnt that worried.. so anyways.. when i got to school the first thing i wanted to do was pick up my test score... YAY!! i Freakin passed... well.. u need a 29 to get into MATH 17 with no restrictions and 24 to 28 will get you in with advising.. well basically i was told i did good.. i got a 27 btw.. I was so happy because last time i needed a freakin 50 and i got a 49 and had to take the lower freakin class.. boo.. so that just made my day.. of course i had to call mukhaye and rub it all in her face... u know she thinks shes smarter than me.. so i had to let her know that your girl is a freakin nerd.. but then.. i went and printed out all the notes i needed and then i met robyn by the class and guess what... she bought me freakin jamba juice!! i was like yay.. that was so nice of here seeing as how i havent helped her in any way.. then we took the test... it was kinda hard.. well not hard.. it was just very detailed so it took me the whole two hours.. but basically that was it.. then my boo came and we hung out for a while.. and now im here writing this blog waiting for my moms show to go off so i can watch family guy.

what does forever mean?!

what does forever mean? and am i too young to be thinking about forever?! im 21 and weve been together since we were 18... that makes 2.6 years tomorrow. but am i too young to think about forever... every couple talks about marriage and kids... and we already said the number one priority is me finishing school and having thing stable as in house, car, etc. then marriage and then well think about having kids... sounds like a good plan to me.. but what if.. tomorrow we break up... then am i stupid as hell for thinking there might be a thing called forever... or at least until the end of time.. forever is a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time... what if he finds someone else?? what if i find someone else?? thinking of the future makes my brain hurt so ill just focus on the present... surviving the hard times to get to the good times...

Finals week

as michael would say, "ive been slackin in my mackin" lol... basically i waited to the last minute to study... so yeah.. well see how the test goes... i finally turned in task 5 for child development.. now i need to study for geol 8 final and then write these play reviews... thats easy because they're only a page long... then thursday i will do the play and wa laaaah.. im done with school until next semester... i also have to go pick up my math test score... mukhaye said she didnt to do well so that kinda throws me off.. but who knows.. i need to put more pride into myself and stop putting myself down... self consious is a mother!! (and if i spelled it wrong correct me) but yah ... let me get back to work

up early

Up early missin my boo but trying to get this last essay out of the way... i see that there may be some problems though... i do not find why i need to edit this freakin essay... it seems fine as it is gosh!! but once im done ill be done with english!! yay!! then i need to finish task 5 that was due a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago luckily professor Gomez is the best professor in the child development department. she knows im turning it in late and she is not taking points off!! and then once im finished with that.. im going to start studying for my geol 8 final on tuesday... which really sucks because i need to find all of my notes... and organize them... then i need to make flash cards... and i need to look over the chaper learning objectives... the test is open book open note but its cumulative and its freakin hard!! hopefully... then on thursday ill do my last final which somewhere in between tuesday and thursday... perferably wednesday... i need to finish my play write ups... and then thursday we do our play for our final.. i hope that michael comes to my final... it would mean a lot to me... but who knows... right now hes out of town and who knows when hes coming back... he said he was going to try to make it but we will see... i dont want to rely on him coming and be excited and then theirs some reason why he cant come... then i wont be motivated... but basically im going to get back to this essay its due at 9!

What am i going to do today?

Im so trying to to go crazy.. trying to work on some of these essays... I absolutely miss my baby and i'm going crazy!! ahhhhhhhhhh... well.. i'm thinking about going to buy a bathing suit and hitting the gym. it will help me relieve some stress... I remember going to swim laps and my baby sitting there watching me.. uhhhhhhhhh... what am i going to do with my life... my goal is to get two essays done today and one done tomorrow... then i will start studying for my final in Geol 8. So basically i will find something to do today.. gosh life sucks right about now..

day 1

well this is day one of hell... no its really day one that michaels gone.. but really it feels like a whole week has passed and even though i have seen him everyday... things just aint the same.. we are both compromising to make our relationship work.. im working on my attitude and hes working on getting his self together... i dont know it just feels like forever... Maybe too because of finals... i dont know though.. im just making sure that i stay calm and finish promptly... all i know is that i love him very much and i hope i survive.

Treat Me RiGHt

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, God counts her tears. A woman came out of a man's rib, Not from his feet 2 be walked on.Not from his head 2 be superior, but from the side 2 be equal. Under the arm 2 be protected, and next 2 the heart 2 be loved♥ [Men need to remember this!]

ABCs

A - Age: 21
B - Bed size: i have a king & 2 queens and unf0rtunately im using n0ne 0f them!! =[
C - Chore you hate:bathr00m
D - Dogs names: B0sc0, Chingy, Russel, Hazel, Mallie
E - Essential start your day item: Cellphone
F - Favorite color: yell0w
G - Gold or Silver: Gold
H - Height: 5'11
I - Instruments you play:none.
J - Job title: Teacher =D
K - Kid(s): n0ne
L - Living arrangements: h0meless =[ naw... i live wid my m0mmy & daddy til september!
M - Mom's name: Jamie
N - Nicknames: Jas, Jazzy, jay, jay jay, jbaby, jassy baby...
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: last year the WHOLE summer!! naw... in may kidney infection.. in august.. fractured my skull..
P - Pet Peeve: when pe0ple crack their knuckles
Q - Quote from a movie: fuck that Pay me.
R - Right or left handed: Lefty!!
S - Siblings: M0ntell, Stephanie, Marquis, Krystal, Jermaine
T - Time you wake up: 7
U- Underwear: b0y sh0rts
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima beans
W - Ways/Reasons you run late: because my damn b0yfreind is a beauty queen.. lol
X - X-rays you've had: cat scan, mri's the whole shabang
Y - Yummy food you make: Tac0s.
Z - Zoo favorites:Giraffes, zebras, m0nkeys!!

5.11.09

s0 yesterday was better... spent some time with my bebe.. it was like the first time that we just relaxed with just us in a long time!! I love him!! now im sitting at home watching the simpsons wondering if i should start my last paper for CHDV... but i dont know i dont feel like doing anything.. i was trying to play a computer game but my mom booted me off!! gosh!! but yeah im so totally bored!! hit me on facebook, myspace, or aim!!

m0thers day

i sh0uld be happy but yet im sad. sad that i do not know whats going on in my life. i feel like i brought this upon myself but why do me like this what if when you decide to come around im gone. will you cry? will you think its your fault? who knows

my LOve ♥

we been t0gether for 2 & a half years n0w and it has been a bumpy ride... idk if its me or him... or maybe its b0th 0f us.. im s0 c0nfused and my head is hurting... when we first started g0in out it was already 0n bumpy terms... we waited a minute b4 we became 0fficial but should we have waited l0nger... maybe we need 2 gr0w up... i kn0w a l0t has changed... we been livin t0gether 0ver a year and things have g0tten REAL bad... s0 n0w were apart until maybe sept.. i d0nt want us 2 break up before then.. yesterday i read 0ur sign c0mpatability... and alth0ugh i think th0se thingys arent true.. i believed what it said f0r 0ur sign... well.. im a capricorn & hes a taurus.. it said that we will have a solid relationship but they only pr0blem is that caps believe y0u have 2 0verc0me 0bstacles and that if y0u w0rk y0ur butt 0ff y0u will eventually succeed... which is very true.. im in school and i think that if i finish i will have succeeded in life... f0r his sign though... it said he believes success is in finanical stability... which is very true... weve had talks before about h0w he wants 2 make s0 much m0ney and h0w hes g0nna try 2 get it... & the sad part is that i h0nestly think that is g0ing 2 b 0ur d0wnfall.. n0w d0nt get me wr0ng.. he supp0rts me 100 percent... but d0 i really supp0rt him?? s0mtimes i talk d0wn t0 him and i kn0w i shouldnt but i d0... and im wrong... but where do i begin 2 fix the relationship?????????????? im lost