Untitled.

Its like a never ending game.
I'm trying to find my way out.
There's no exits in sight.
I fall relentlessly to the floor and I pout.

I just cant figure this one out.
When way to go
Which door to go through
I'm starting to think I will never know.

Tears fall down my cheeks
My heart hurts.
I do not know what to do
So  I choose to stop fighting.

And just like that...
Everything changes..
We pick up the broken pieces
Of your heart & mine..

And slowly we start to rebuild
The kingdom that was torn down
&& maybe one day
we can live happily...

Secret Love

Let's run away and get married

Live on an island in the sea

We'd sip lemonade and long island ice tea

Oh what a joy it would be

If life were only that easy

Instead..

We wear all black 

With masquerade masks 

Tip-Toeing through the night 

Trying not to get caught..

We are villains of the mind and soul 

Capturing each others hearts

Making wild love in the heat of the moment

Wishing we could stay intertwined

 But we live separate lives..
An unfair story it is
They say our paths should have never crossed..
That love between us can NEVER be an option

So secret lovers of the night
We live this horrid nightmare
Until the rules of society change
And i  can be yours and you can be mine.

Disequillibrium

...i never could explain what exactly attracted me to you..

but whatever it is has me quite confused.. 

when like turns into lust..

and lust into love..

a once certainty turns into uncertainty

equilibrium falls into a fury of disequilibrium

i am a confused and unstable soul...

what to do.

seems like i'm trying to put together a puzzle with missing pieces

i'm searching for answers

that are not there

i'm too busy analyzing and missing out on what i really want..

Anxiety

Sometimes I forget that I am just one human

And I try to take on superpowers

I believe that I am Wonder Woman

And that I can win all battles

But I am just one woman

With fearful eyes 

And a battered heart

With my own insecurities 

And my own personal struggles

Sometimes I cry 

Peaceful, blissful, beautiful tears

releasing yesterdays' anxieties 

And freeing my cluttered thoughts

As my tears dry 

And my thoughts become clear

My pen dances gracefully against the paper

As I start start to reflect...

My struggles and pain

My tears, my frustration

Are all necessary ingredients

For a better days.

Relationship Rambles :)

Like a seed planted into the dark, cold, damp earth, this love was hidden inside my chest festering at the seams similar to the roots that sprout from the seed. At first I tried to fight it.  Beating at my chest like a raged barbarian beating against a hand drum playing a melody for tribal meeting.  I was an angry soul.  I was worn out from fighting a raging war against myself that I was never going to win.  Because when love strikes, there is no turning back. Fighting love is a losing war because if you try to fight it, you will end up hurt.. if you give in.. you may end up hurt.. either way you may end up hurt.. but if you give it a chance and it's the right kind of love.. you could find your soul mate.  You could find the one who is worth it all.  So here are a few of my relationship rambles...

One. if both parties are not willing to give their all then the relationship is not  going to work.  NOT AT ALL.. One person cannot carry a relationship on their back because one day they will burn out.. Both parties have to come to the relationship willing to give the same amount of effort.

Two. No Laziness.  most people are just too damn lazy.  At first, when your just dating.. you do EVERYTHING to try to impress that person.. pull all the tricks out the closet.. all the nice dates, cute fits, etc.. but when you got that person and you know they love you and THINK they are not going anywhere you quit doing all of that??? NO WAY!! you can't give up!! that's stupid.  That's why people are so quick to say "You were not who I thought you were" DUH!!! Because you got too damn comfortable and got lazy.

Third.. Leave Your Baggage at the door please :) Yes i know it is hard to completely come into a relationship with a clean slate.. because you learn things from your past.. but don't blame your new girl/dude for what your ex did... they did not cheat on you so don't treat them like they are guilty.  Treating them guilty is only going to push them to cheat or scare them the hell off.

Four. Hurting is okay ((if its positive)).  Sometimes your feelings are going to be hurt.  Oh well, that's life.  If your bf/gf is looking out for your best interests they are going to tell you when your fucking up.  Yes your feelings may be a little hurt at the moment but you will get over it.  You should learn how to know the difference between what's hurting your feelings because they have your best interests in mind ((healthy)) or they're just being a complete asshole ((unhealthy))

Five. Just give LOVE a try.  I swear.  When you're in love, it has it's ups and downs but if it is a healthy love, it has way more ups than it does downs.  So to all my readers, let's stop being scared and let's all give love a try :)

Untitled.

The feeling of disappointment and disgust filled her body when she walked into her living room to notice her sixty inch LCD television was missing.  He was strung out again and she was mentally drained.  She walked into her room and sat on the bed.  She knew that she had to get rid of him before she had nothing but he was her husband and when she married him she promised they would never get a divorce.  But this was not the first time that he had walked away with something in the house and she was tired of it. 

Distraught, she walked into their closet.  This time she was going to pack all his things and drop them off at his mothers house.  She looked at his clothes and saw nothing but worn down tennis shoes, raggedy jeans, and faded worn out shirts.  She took all of his clothes off the hangers, folded them and neatly put them in a duffle bag.  When she was done she reached to the back of the closet and was shocked to find an all white Armani suit still hanging up in the back of the closet.  Tears started to fall from her eyes. She remembered the last time that she had seen him in a suit.  The last time she felt her life was normal.

 Three years earlier, his wife was pregnant with their second child, a little boy.   She was out of town in Milan for a hair show and he was excited because he was going to spend quality time with his little girl Justice. Justice was his world.  He would do anything for her and everyone who knew him knew that Justice had a special place in his heart.  That day,  he had left the office and went over to his mothers house to pick her up.  He was stressed, there was something suspecious going on with the firm he worked for and he was trying to figure out what it was.  He pulled up to his mother's house and his little pride and joy came running out into his arms.  He picked her up, buckled her into her booster seat and started driving towards their home.  On the way home, he recieved a call from the office.  It was Stevenson telling him that there was an emergency at the firm and he need to come back as soon as possible.  He was shocked and did not know what to do.  He never put work before his daughter, but this was an emergency and he needed to go back to find out what was going on.  He looked down at his phone thinking of who to call and when he looked up he was on the wrong side of the street coming head on with a huge eighteen wheeled truck.  He swerved to the right and so did the truck causing the truck to crash straight into the drivers side of his Range Rover HSE.

He woke up in the hospital ten days after the accident and he was hysterical.  He screamed for Justice. Sitting next to his hospital bed, his wife tried to calm him down.  Tears started falling from her eyes but he did not care for her cries.  He wanted to know where his baby girl was and wanted to see her.  His wife's cries became louder.  Deep down he knew that something was wrong but he did not care.  All he wanted was to hold Justice in his arms and kiss her on her cheek.  His wife screams out "SHE'S DEAD" and  he went ballistic.  He started pulling out all of the machines he was connected to so that he can go find his daughter.  His wife tells him she was found dead at the scene and he crumbles to the floor like a little baby crying so loud that the doctors come rushing into his room.

Two months later, he was out of a job and still mourning the death of his daughter.  Stevenson was convicted and went to prison for fraud, his whole company was closed down.  He spent every day sitting in a chair in Justice's room staring at her pictures for hours.  He would not eat.  He did not sleep.  He did not shower or brush his teeth.  He sat in that room everyday crying.  He talked to Justice and asked her to come back.  She never responded and it always hurts him so much.  He was beating himself up inside because the only time that he put his job before his daughter, she ended up dead.

His wife went into labor.  She called him and told him she was at the hospital.  He still sat in Justice's room looking at her pictures, holding on to her favorite doll.  His wife went through twenty-three hours of labor and he never showed up.  She was disappointed and hurt.  He sat in that same chair crying, holding on to that doll.  When she was to be released, he showed up.  He had been drinking, matter of fact, he was drunk.  He stumbled into her room and looked at their little boy who she named Joshua and walked out.  He looked just like Justice and it angered him.  He didn't want anything to do with him.  When she got home, he was back in the room this time holding a bottle of Hennessey.  He did not look at her, he just sat there drinking.  He got worse.  He would not touch Joshua.  He would not care for him.  He would wake up in the morning, and go for long walks.  He would come home in the middle of the night and lay in Justice's bed.  His wife tried to comfort him but he rejected her.  He was lost, she was hurting.

The first time he talked to her in six months was right after he smoked his first crack rock.  He had been walking drunk in a low-income neighborhood and someone came up to him and asked him had he ever tried it before.  He told the stranger no and the stranger handed him the pipe and he took a smoke.  After three hits of the pipe, he felt like a different person.  He forgot about mourning for Justice.  He forgot about his problems.  He felt like he was on top of the world and that he could accomplish anything.  He was free.  He was horny.  He went home, slipped back the covers of his bed and began kissing his wife like she had never been kissed.  He caressed her, he made lover to her like they were on their honeymoon.  He held her in his arms all night.  When he woke up, he felt like the world was falling on down on him.  He had to go back and find the stranger with the drugs because he had to feel happy again.  He went searching for him and found him standing on a corner.  The excitement he felt when he hit the pipe was the same feeling that a child feels when he gets a new toy for Christmas.  He was happy, he was free of his problems.

She found out about his problem when she was doing laundry.  She found a crack pipe in his pocket and broke down and cried like a baby.  He was slowly killing himself and he was strung out on drugs.  She felt like there was nothing she could do.  He was not the person she married and it hurt her so much to see him so weak.  He once was her king, now he was the scum of the earth.  She asked him to go to rehab and he accepted but ran away three days after arrival.  That's when he started stealing things to buy crack.  She would not give him money, and he was going to get his fix whether she liked it or not.  He was so strung out he was dead.  He was a walking zombie.


She sat on her bed and cried, she did not know what to do.  She just wanted her husband to be the man he once was.  A man that would do anything for his family.  A man who loved his wife.  She packed up that Armani suit and wrote a little note "I love you more than life itself, but I have to move on for Joshua.  Get yourself together and come home.  Until then, leave me alone."

Three weeks later, he was found in an alley dead.  He had overdosed.  In his hand, he held that note that said, "I love you more than life itself..."

Jay's 10 Rules For Pleasing Your Man

10. Keep yourself up.  Your man should love you even at your worst but no man wants to see you at your worst every day.  Keep yourself up the way you did when you first met.  Have your hair looking nice and keep your nails and feet done.  If you can't afford it, do it yourself!!

9. Listen and pay attention.  As women we think we know everything.  BUT we don't.  Listen to your man because he may be giving you the clues into his desires.  If you think you know everything your going to overlook the little things he loves.

8. Try new things.  This is a relationship.  Your man is always going to like something you don't care too much for.  Give it a try.  You never know you might like end up with a new interest.

7. Simple things always work. There are simple ways to show your man you love him.  Leave him a note, send him an email, message him, tweet him.  Send a simple I love you.  Randomly cook him a big dinner, buy him flowers, cards, balloons... yes we love these things but they love them too.

6. Give your best and then some.  ALWAYS!! give your best in the relationship.  No slackin just because you got him.  Because when you stop trying someone else will snatch him up!!

5. communication is key.  Communication is key to a successful relationship.  He should be able to tell you anything and vice versa.  If you don't like something, let him know but be open when he lets you know what he doesn't like as well.

4. DO NOT EVER SNOOP.  Whenever you snoop you're looking for something wrong.  The littlest things can be taken the wrong way and snooping always leads to argument.. who wants to argue when you could love?  Stay out of his FB, twitter, phone && email.  Respect his privacy.

3. Try new things ((in bed)).  Missionary, from the back, and on top get boring all the time.  Try new things.  There's plenty of new positions you could find on the net.  Try some :)

2. Cater to your man.  No explanation necessary.

1. Give him morning head.  Wake up in the morning, roll over, kiss his lips, and give him head.  I guarantee his day will start off better than ever!