The Power Struggle

So I have been through my share of failed relationships and relationships and love are something I love writing about so I decided to write about something I struggle with that ends probably 90% of the relationships I've been in.  It's called the "power struggle" Stage.

So when you're in a new relationship you go through the "honey moon" phase.  In this phase all is well and your significant other is perfect.  Nothing they do can be wrong because well you are looking at your relationship with "love goggles"on.  In this stage, your significant other can do no harm.

But when the "honey moon" phase is over... The "power struggle" stage begins.  This stage is vital because it can either make or break a relationship.  In my experiences, it ended them so I am going to tell you where I went wrong in order to hopefully save someone else's relationship from following the same path as I did.  

So the "power struggle" phase begins as soon as the "honey moon" stage ends.  Once you start feeling like the "spark" in your relationship has ended, you are now in the "power struggle" stage.  

The power struggle ends two ways: in a mature love for each other or in breakup. The power struggle stage is hard because it is the stage where two people are TRULY starting to get to know each other.  The stage can last for a few months to a few years.. it varies from each relationship.  But there are some things you can do to get through it successfully:

1. Define the problem.  The reason my relationships in the past have failed is because I  cannot stand fighting.  A typical thought that runs through my mind in relationships is "this person is not who I thought they were" which is right.  During your honey moon stage, you are blind and oblivious to the flaws of your partner and sometimes ignore those "flaws" so when they become blatantly clear in the power struggle stage, it seems like you are meeting a new person all over again.  What is the problem that is making you feel this way and communicate it.  For me it's usually that I don't want to argue so I shut down instead of facing the problem.  For others it could be that their significant other is not doing the things they once did, it could be their hygiene, it could be many things.  You have to figure out what the underlying problem is before you can even move forward.  There are two people in the relationship, both may have two different problems you have to adress.

2. Surface the problem.  The problem must come to the surface in order to move on.  Like I discussed above, the main reason my relationships do not work is because I hate arguing.  Instead of surfacing the problem I just leave.  This is important.  The problem must be acknowledged head on in order to fix it.

3. Deeper Issues.  Sometimes the problem may be because of deeper rooted issues.  Now-a-days, lots of people have trust issues because of things that have happened in their past.  Is this issue something you guys can work through together?  You must realized everyone comes into the relationship with baggage.  Are you willing to work on these issues to move forward or not.

Now that the issues have been discovered here are some ways you can help resolve them:

1. Communication.  In almost every blog post I write about relationships, COMMUNICATION is key.   Communication is important.  You must be considerate of each others feelings without lying to each other.  In order for anything to work you must be honest with the way you are feeling and communicate that in a respectable form (not yelling) to your partner.

2. Connection.  In a lot of relationships with younger couples, friends and family are involved which is never a good thing.  Yes we want our significant other to be a part of our circle but we must remember the connection is between two not two plus friends and family.

3. End recurring conflict.  Most of the times relationships have failed for me because there was the same problem surfacing over and over again.  In order to move forward, You must end recurring conflicts.  For example, in my last relationship our recurring conflict was that he always lied.  This for me is something I cannot deal with because I do not trust liars but there may be something in your relationship that is not as serious that is damaging it but is easy to fix.  End it.  Figure out a way to fix the problem together that you both agree upon.

4. Understand and appreciate each others differences.  Plain and simple.  

Healthy Relationships

I know most of you have been through your share of unhealthy/crazy relationships as I have been through some myself but not every relationship has to be unhealthy. So here is my perception of a healthy relationship in no particular order

1.     Be honest.  This one is self-explanatory.  Be nice and kind to your significant other, but be honest.  There is only one way that trust is gained and its through honesty.  I know sometimes it can be hard because you may not want to hurt your significant other’s feelings or upset them but in the long-run honesty is going to take you far.  It is better to hurt their feelings temporarily to lose their trust when you get caught in a lie. 

2.     Compromise.  Again, pretty self-explanatory.  Everything in the relationship is not going to go the way you want it to go (unless your me lol I’m kidding) so you have to be willing to compromise.  Be open to doing things your significant other likes to do that you may have not ever wanted to do if you were with them. 

3.     Do not try to “fix” your significant other.  This is an issue I have had in the past.  I meet this guy who I see “potential” in and I just think my chipper personality and ambitious drive will have an influence on him to do better but it’s all talk.  What a person is doing with their life when they meet you is a good picture of what it is going to be like.  If they’re always out partying every weekend, that’s not going to change just because they’re in a relationship now.  Either be in the relationship with the person for who they are flaws and all or don’t.

4.     Take advice with a grain or salt.  One killer of relationships is when everyone else has an input in what two people should do in their relationship.  Everyone needs their circle of friends for moral support, but do not let your friends and family ruin YOUR relationship.  If you know someone else’s opinion will have an affect on your thinking don’t let them give you their opinion.  I know it’s harder than it seems but a relationship is between two not two plus five you ya’ll closest friends. 

5.     Don’t go to bed angry.  I believe this is one of the most used phrases when it comes to long-term relationships but it doesn’t mean that it is necessarily true.  We are sometimes going to be so upset over some things in our relationship where we do need to sleep on it in order to have a clear mind to make rational decisions.  The thing that is true about this saying, “don’t go to bed angry” is the communication piece to it.  Some couples can work things out before bed but some cannot.  Forcing yourself to hash things out when you’re sleepy and irrational can just lead to more issues as sometimes we say things we really don’t mean when we are angry.  Instead of trying to fix things when you know you need more time, simply communicate with your significant other that you need space to calm down and set a time the next day that you both agree on to continue this discussion with a clear mind. 

6.     Date nights.  I love date nights.  One reason is because during the “getting to know you” stage dates are frequent.  But when the relationship comes exclusive, sometimes we get wrapped back up into our day-to-day routine and forget about the fun you had in the first place.  Set date nights.  Take one night out of the week to do something fun just both of you. 

7.     Stay consistent. Whatever you started doing in the beginning of the relationship continue to do.  That’s also why it is important to be yourself.  If you brought your girlfriend lunch on a Wednesday at the beginning when you were dating, continue to do that else you’ll have to hear her say “how come you don’t bring me lunch anymore??” Don’t do things if you know you can’t follow through.  Consistency is key. 

8.     Keep things interesting.  This means in the bed.  Missionary. Doggy. Repeat.  How boring! Keep things interesting.  Try new things.  New positions, new ideas, dress up in costume, role-play, etc.  Just have fun, open up, and don’t be afraid to try new things. 

9.     The past is the past.  Leave the past in the past.  If your significant other did something in the past that you can’t live with, leave.  Do not make them pay every time you decide to think of it. 

10. Stay positive.  Sometimes things are going to get hard and you must remember to stay positive in all aspects.  Stay positive in your thinking and security of the relationship and ALWAYS stay positive with your words towards each other.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has always been something that is easy for me to do.  I get into an argument with someone and they say something to hurt my feelings and in a few hours I've moved on and forgave them already.   But forgiving someone is not the same when they try to completely destroy you and ruin your life. 

 I've toyed with the thought of forgiving someone for three months but it is very hard for me because of what happened.  I thought to myself, "how can I forgive someone who physically and mentally abused me?" I asked myself this question over and over. It made it even harder to forgive because not only did he abuse me, he tried to force these negative thoughts about me on others. How do I even begin to forgive him when he caused me so much pain??  

Then I read a scripture out of the bible that said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44)) and I began to pray for him. I began to pray for him every time I prayed even if all I asked for is for God to forgive him I prayed for him.  Even though I was praying for him and asking God to forgive him, I still had not forgave him for what he had done to me. 

So I continued to read scriptures on forgiveness and found: Then Peter went up to him and said, "Lord, how often must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me? As often as seven times?" Jesus answered, "Not seven, I tell you, but seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:21-22). So I forgave. I told myself if I can forgive him for cheating on me (because people make wrong decisions sometimes) I can use that same reasoning to forgive him for the abuse. 

Forgiving someone who has done you wrong is never easy. I resented him for taking my kindness for weakness and I blamed myself for being naïve.  What kept me going is knowing that whenever not-so-good things happen, good things shortly follow. I stopped pondering over the fact that I needed to forgive him and wasn't ready and just told myself I HAVE to forgive in order to not feel pain anymore. Once I started to forgive just a little bit, things started going extremely well for me.

So here I am living in the moment and learning how to forgive and boy does it feel great! I know there is someone out there that you probably should forgive, so forgive them. Forgive them so that you can move on with your life. 

I hope this helped at least one person. :) 

The Caged Bird

I have been a caged bird.  Caged with no way out. Everyone would come to see my beauty. Amazed and dazed they'd say how beautiful and listen to me sing. No one ever questioned my singing even though they were cries for help. Because I was a caged bird. 

I have been a caged bird. Miserable in my own surrounding. Day in and day out I sing.. Day in and day out they come. Smiling, laughing and not even noticing my misery. I want them to open my cage, set me free.. But they never do. Because I was a caged bird. 

I am no longer a caged bird. I let myself be free. I stopped waiting for the people watching to set me free and started dreaming. I told myself I wasn't a caged bird anymore that singing will set me free. As I sang, they stayed longer and as they smiled I smiled. Until one day, the cage opened and I was free. 

2014 Goals

I normally don't do resolutions I just set goals.  Goals that I could work on throughout the year and at the end of the year reflect on.  So here my 2014 goals: 

1. Maintain a stable gym routine. 

2. sign-up and complete a long distance run.

3. Save money.

4. Wear my rubber bands.

5. Redecorate my apartment. 

6. Build stronger relationship with God.

2013 recap

When I was brainstorming for this year I realized that this year was a shitty year for me.. Even though I had some traumatizing events, I learned some life lessons.. So here is my 2013 recap. 

Grad School

I've had many successes this year like always. I've also had not so good times as well. The biggest success I have had was getting into the Golden Key society.  It made me feel proud that I have kept going all of these years. 

The second thing was the fact that I finally finished my proposal. Next semester I'll be able to start the process to the actual project and hopefully graduate in 2 semesters. 

Friends && Family.

Whenever you go through a struggle, you realize who your true friends are. I am just happy to say that I have some great friends who have been here for me and I'm blessed. 

Employment. 

This year's employment was crazy.  I started off at Poppy Patch like normal. Left there because of the conflict between school and my schedule. Started Nannying. But that didn't last long because the day that I needed time off because I was sick I was let go. So then I started working for the district and I absolutely love it. 

Relationships.

So I'm not going to say anything negative about anything I've been through relationship wise. I just want to say that I'm ending the end-of-the-year single. Normally this would make me sad. But this year I am quite happy. Ever since I broke up with Michael, I have been a whirlwind of relationships. Ones that never last long because they ended just as fast as they started. The good thing is I did not get pregnant. 

So my 2013 wasn't that great... But I survived and I'm happy.

Delusions

As I lay in bed, I hear pounding on the door. *BANG  BANG BANG* My eyes widen and I pull the covers to my ear. Silence. I sit up in bed. *knock knock knock* I place my feet on the floor but I don't leave the bed. Silence. I look at the clock. 11:30 PM. I listen for the door but hear nothing. "Jasmine" his voice whispered. Could it be? Could he be back for me? An urge of nervousness rushed over me.  I stood up and walked over towards the room door and peered out into the living room. Everything was silent. She walked towards the front door. She stood in front of the front door contemplating... Should she just open the door or should she look through the peep hole? She decided to look first and saw no one. She decided to open the door. No one. Her head dropped and tears shed from her eyes.  The banging and knocking, him calling her name.. Were all just delusions... Delusions of the brain.