Randy

Today i am offically through with Randy!! i don't understand why me and Shelly have to really b fighting over one nigga when there are hella sharks in the sea.. niggas wid the full package.. ((car, job, educated, own place)) this whole things is like a game to him.. if he's cool with me he treats Shelly hella shady makin her go through the most.. hella emotions that she's feeling while hes over her hella cool actin like shit aint happening.. and the minute shit aint cool wid me.. he really aint trippen because he's gonna go back to her.. and thats not fair.. why do one of us gotta be sad, mad, and upset for the other to be happy?! thats hella not fair.. i don't need this.. yeah michael was a fuckin nut but at least he took care of me.. ya know.. this is more drama than fuckin wid him.. nita said something to me that hella made sense.. if it wasnt for him.. we would probably be like the best of friends.. really tho.. we are more alike than we are different which is kinda sick to me.. but heyy.. he sure knows how to choose em.. but before it gets any worse i just wanna say that i am sooooooo threw wid nigs.. i think imma just do me for a while.. ya know solo.. so Shelly do ya thang girl.. get yo nigga back.. or wash ya hands.. either way.. i'd rather be ya friend than ya enemy.. because funkin over a lame ass nigg aint even cool..

Chaos

So yesterday me and R was Layin down after my workout and I asked him a question I asked him does he think this relationship we have is more like a friendship or a relationship and u know what he said... this fool said "why do girls always bring up dumbass questions at the wrong time" ooooohhhh I was so threw with him. 

The funny thing is I constantly find myself comparing him to Michael... everything I hated about Michael R is but everything I loved about Michael R is not... sometimes I wish I could take Michael's good qualities and Rs good qualities and make one perfect man for me lol

I'm really just rambling.. this blog is more like a free write... whatever comes to my Mind IM gonna write. Like the fact like I am seriously getting tired of R like really. I don't understand how I'm good enough for u to sleep with every night... wake up to every morning... spend all your time with and I still can't have the title.. that's y I gotta stay two steps Ahead of the game. I know I am very beautiful and I can have anyone I want but I always feel like I chose the wrong one. Uggghhh.. sometimes I wish Michael wasn't abusive... because I miss him much.. matter of fact I miss him hella.. but I must stay strong. I put up with way too much bullshit to go back.

My life is pretty much great. Everyday I pray for my niece..  make sure she's okay... my only problem is the nigs I do not wanna get ugly.Lol we all know I can turn into a beast... just don't say I didn't warn u... lol I tried being nice... being sympathetic... and now I really just don't give a flying fucccck

I love working out.. this is when all of my thoughts run wild.. plus once I'm fine with my,body I'm gonNa start up a portfolio... I think I will. I really want some watermelon.. maybe Ill go get some after I workout I'm so glad I'm working out twice.. now and tkb with Marie later.. oh my.., all my good morning texts are coming in.

This Is My Life

so this is a poem that me and my two group members came up with..

When is a day not a day?
When life is the day in the life.
The morning brings laughter and play.
Like summery sunshine swallowing strife.

The midday fraught with danger
Animals at every turn
Deep in the dark dense forest
Confusion sets in like thunder.

The end of the day is dark
And trees no longer stand except with help.
Creaking and moaning, propped on sticks
The day is ending.
Clouds go cold and gray as darkness surrounds.

For some, the night is just the beginning.

memories

so i really wanna write a book about my relationship with my x.. i mean the relationship had its ups and downs but my personality, my being, my soul has never been touched so much by a person in both good and bad ways that i am a totally new person from having that experience.. the only problem with writing a book about the relationship is after being in that accident.. there is not a lot i remember.. some things that were quite traumatizing... but some things that lead up to moments and things like how we made it official.. i do not remember.. yikes.. so i asked him to help me and he actually agreed.. i'm surprised.. but i'm glad.. I really want to actually get published.. if not.. i will make sure that I post my unpublished works to my blog for every woman to know that through the struggle.. Y0U CAN OVERCOME!! =]

Baby Niy

BABy Kaniya

So things have Been crazy mann for reals... first, my niece was born March 9th, 2010 and cps took her away because my bro and his bm are locked up.. then she had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side and its killing me because they wont let us know where she's at or if she's even okay... I been hella crying.. I haven't cried in so long... but then I was told there was nothing I can do so to stop trippen and pray to God to watch over her... so every night before I close my eyes I say a prayer for my niece Kaniya...

sooo today we had to go to a hearing to find out the fate of my baby niy and basically they said that in order for them to release Kaniya to us they have to establish that my brother is actually the father BUT.. they sent my brother to Ohio so it is going to take a whole month for them to get the test done and get the results.. omggggggggggg a whole month of tourtureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............. i dont know how i am going to make it through.. i'm just glad that i have a date so that i dont stress myself to death..

if your reading this blog i'm asking you to keep my niece kaniya in your prayers.. thank you..

March

soooooooooo march has been nothing like i planned it.. i expected.. hella drama with michael and my niece kaniya being here and it is EXACTLY the opposite of what i expected.. its been hella stress dealing with my niece and absolutely no drama with michael.. actually i cant believe how its been.. so when he got out.. i didnt see him for like a week.. but then when i did see him he looked oooooooooooooooooh sooooooooo sexy.. but i actually realized something.. the feelings that i had before.. the head over heels feeling.. the butterflies.. the smile i would get when i haddent seen him for a long time.. were no longer there.. there was a big ass void.. i think that it was absolutely awkward!! but whatevs.. when i seen him he said, "because you seen me, don't start getting all emotional.." buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.. hits me up today sayin he needs my love and affection and wants a relationship and he doesn't understand why i don't have anytime with him when i had 2 jobs and went to school i had time for him but now i act like my life is soooooooo busy and i don't have time for him.. i didn't know what to say but i wasn't about to tell him that i was gonna be back with him so i told him maybe we needed to sit and have a lil chat.. plus i was at work.. what am i supposed to do? but we talked and he said he was just going to move on since i'm not giving him the answer he wanted.. i felt kinda bad but at the end of the day.. i have to do what's best for me. I know that Michael can make me sooooooo happy but at the same time.. he makes me heeeeeeeeeeeeellla sad and I can't deal with feeling like that.. i need someone who can make me happy 95% of the time and when i'm mad or sad.. he's tryna make it better.. i don't need someone who knows how to bring me down to my lowest and uses it to his advantage..

PLUS.. i have him.. lol. duuuuuuuuuuuh