I'M S0RRy

This morning i was faced with a dilemma that i knew was going to happen sooner or later. i'm just glad that it happened sooner.. so this morning I went and took a shower and when I came back i could tell that something was wrong by the look on his face. I asked him is something was wrong but he said nothing was wrong so i wasn't going to press the issue. then he tweeted, "Should I bring it up or jus leave it silent n forever hold it n????" and i forsure knew something was wrong.. so i asked him what he had to say and at first he was like nothing but i knew it was something.. so I told him that I wouldn't be upset or anything and that he should feel like he can talk to me when he needs to.. soooooooooooo guess what he wanted to talk about.. I already knew that he went through my phone.. but he tells me he went to my phone and read me and Michael's phone conversation... Oh my.. i didn't remember exactly what I said to him but when I did read them i completely understand why he would be concerned.. I would be a liar to say that I don't care about Michael because I really do but then at the same time.. i completely know that our relationship is OVER and there will never be a Michael and Jasmine again.. I told him that I have no intentions on getting back with Michael and that I don't intend on even speaking with him again ((that's what my last text to him said, that I no longer felt the need for us to be in contact with each other))..

yesterday I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore because it was too much drama and he say she say.. i was hella sad though because i really do care about him and i know that he cares about mee... so i talked to my brother and sister and cousin and they all told me that i need to stop fighting my fears and just go with the flow.. sooooooooooooooooooooooo i told him how i really feel.. that I do want to be with him and that I have been playing games because i'm not tryna get hurt but that ain't no other nigga i want... this morning when the whole Michael thang came up i let him know that what i said yesterday was the truth and although Michael was the love of my life i'm willing to let go and move forward with him.. i know i been playin hella games and i havent been solid but for reals.. i'm not playing anymore.. like all the niggas i associate with to fight the feeling is not helpin.. its just complicating things.. someone told me to stop fighting with my own happiness so thats what i'm going to do... I always hold back from how i'm really feeling... I'm always tryna be a lil nigga and not give a fuck when deep down inside i doo.. I hella care about that boy.. he's does a lot for me, makes me laugh... gets on my nerves.. and although i might fall flat on my face.. i'm gonna give it a try!

My B00 PT. 2

this is so confusing for real
i thought it was you but its me
see i have no problem keepin it real with you
but keepin it real with myself..
i do..
i keep fighting the feelings i'm having for you
keep tellin myself no this feelin aint true
but every hug
every touch
every kiss of the lips
every morning
every night
every minute spent with you
i think i might love you

just some thoughts.. i been hella playing games you might say.. i told myself.. when i left Michael that i would never deal with another crazy x girlfriend.. because if i was gonna deal with it i might as well talk to a nigga with a kid and a crazy ass baby mom.. although she isn't confrontational like mike's x.. its too much he say she say for me... i mean i'm doin me.. but she's doin me better.. and it doesn't matter... i don't wanna hear about my love life from everybody and dey moms.. it hella irritates mee.. almost made me slip up and make the wrong decision but i hella just decided that i need to stop fighting with my happiness.. when i'm with him.. a smile stays bright.. but when its drama my whole shit be fucked..

Confused

So I thought I was so ready to see Michael and discuss this relationship thang but now that he's ready to talk... I'm not so sure... I still love him but I'm falling for R too.. so its hella irritating and confusing... I mean I know I will never go back to Michael but I'm scared that if I meet up with him then I'll b face to face with my best friend again... face to face with three years of happiness, pain, sadness, and misery.  I really don't know if I'm ready to face the beautiful nightmare again. On the other side there's R who each day I'm getting more and more attached to. I know he cares about me but this attachment is an illness... like I love waking up right next to him and laying my head on his chest til I fall asleep. I love talking to him because I feel that I can talk to him about almost anything. Whenever I'm feeling down he makes me feel better.. but everyone has flaws... I heard from a few people that he's the jealous type... kinda bothers me because that's how Michael was and I forsure don't want that... honestly I'm hella confused and it's hella been bothering me:  -(

thoughts

my thoughts are everywhere right now.. whats right and whats wrong is a thin line... is it possible for you to love 2 people at the same time?!

F00LiSH

i don't know why i feel like i can't open my heart up to anyone anymore. I used to lie about everything.. but Lies only lead to hurting.. so i decided the next time around.. i would tell the truth even if it hurt.. see because when someone tells you the truth and it hurts.. it only hurts temporarily.. but when someone lies to you and you find out.. it hurts because its like you weren't worthy enough of the truth.. I don't think I will ever know the truth.. I don't think I will ever truly trust.. But why does it have to be like this? I am so hurt right now that I want to cry.. but I told myself I would be a strong woman and I won't let any tears fall from my eyes.. Why am I letting him get to me like this?! I mean I can only blame myself.. i told him i didn't want a relationship when deep down inside I do.. i told him that I don't need him.. but deep down inside I do.. i need him to kiss my forehead and hold me tight when i had a rough day at work or school.. I need him to make me laugh when I'm stressing.. I really WANT him here.. but for the last few weeks I have been struggling with myself.. EVERYDAY.. leave him alone.. or let him stay.. if i leave him now.. i know i WiLL NOT get hurt.. i know i know.. but then i keep thinking.. what if i walk away and i'm walking out on an opportunity?! I have to let go though.. because he hasn't made me feel confident that i'm where he wants to be and i don't sit around forever waiting on no one..

OOOOOOOOOh what a Day

This is How my day is going today.. I feel like shoot 'em up bang bang.. lol.. Mid terms are stressful but I have soooooo much on my mind today so imma just do a lil paragraph on all of my thoughts for today..

One: Cognitive development mid-term.. no matter of fact.. mid-terms in general ugh.. last night i didnt wanna study but my honey made me.. he was not fuckin wid it but i'm glad because I'm pretty confident that i know all of the concepts... my only problem is that it's a mid-term, its worth a whole lot of points and I'm just nervous about it.. and it is really hurting my brain studying for this thing.. On monday i have two more mid-terms & a presentation that i need to study for ASAP!! ugh..

Two: Michael. UGH this has been bothering me for hella days only because i dont know what type of hype he gonna come home.. hopefully he will get the message and leave me alone but of course i gotta plan for the worse.. I gotta be ahead of the game.. Just gotta make sure nothing bad happens..

Three: My Boo. Now there shouldnt be any problems with him seein as he's not my man but.. of course there is.. i'm no gonna go into too much details because i don't have time but basically to make a long story short.. there's some things that we need to discuss to get on the same page...

so about this whole little love situation.. Being with someone for 3 years who wasn't right for me put a real strain on my poor lil heart.. i'm mentally damaged and i'm not tryna get hurt by no one.. So i've been playing it safe.. The truth is... I don't really know what LOVE is.. Do you?! If you do let me know.. I used to think I knew what love is.. love makes you do crazy things.. Love makes you care.. But all i can tell you is what love makes you do & what I would do for love but I still don't know if i know what love is. So as of right now.. i'm going to put love in the back of my mind and worry about school and working.. that's it.. Do i love him?! maybe. maybe not.. i'm still tryna figure that out myself..

well enough rambling and back to studying.. adios

NEVER KNEW iT WUD B THIS HARD..

Damn i think I'm falling in love with someone and I'm really not trying to.. how do i stop myself from feeling the way i feel?!?! I'm not ready 4 love or what it brings to the table.. I'm not ready to let someone get to me yet.. it hella sucks because I've been hella denying it but everyday i open my eyes and He's right there and every night when i fall asleep he's there.. i get more and more attached to him.. the cold part about it is I don't wanna b.. I don't wanna be attached to him.. i wanna be able to have the choice to leave without an excuse if i want to.. i don't know what i'm going to do ugh.. I don't want 2 have 2 try to make anyone happy I just want to be myself as I have been and do my thang.. but the bitch LOVE is messin wid me and refuses to leave me the hell alone.. so i got two options.. 1. stop fighting and let my emotions take its course or 2. kick him 2 the curb and do my thang..
My brain is hurting for thinking to long and hard.. i don't know what to do..