30 Days of Truth: Day 9

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

My sister.  We used to be best friends.  Her being my older sister I always looked up to her.  I always wanted to wear Steve Madden heels and doll myself up just like her... As we got older, life came in between and I haven't seen my sister or spent time with her in over a year.  Sad but God works in mysterious ways.  That's what I tell myself every time I miss her. 

Mini Interview

So I was given a mini interview by one of my friends.. they will be the I (for interviewer) and J will be for me:

I: what is your weakness
J: my weakness would have to be love.

I: have you ever been in love if so how many times?
J: Actually, I've only been in love once.. Have I ever lied and said I loved someone when I didn't.. yes

I: what's your favorite movie?
J: I don't have a favorite movie, but I love Disney Movies

I: what makes you angry?
J: Being lied to, when people do not keep their word and when you tell someone in confidence that it is safe with them and when they get mad they throw it in your face.

I: who's your favorite music artist?
J: I don't really have a favorite.. I just love good music.

I: what's your idea first date?
J: I think an idea first date would have to be something very simple but lots of fun.  I like spontaneity

I: how many fist fights you been in?
J: to be honest, too many to count.

I: If you won the lottery today (1 mil) what would you do with the money?
J: First, I would pay off my student loans. Second, I would buy a new house and car.  Third, with the rest of the money I would invest so that I can open up my own business when I'm done with school.  But student loans would have to go first.

I: Hide and go seek or hide and go get it.
J: Hide and go seek

I: If you were walking and you trip on accident how would you play it off?
J: I would say, "oops" smile and say "excuse my clumsiness" then I'd give the cutest smile and everyone would adore me.

I: what's your favorite ice cream?
J: oh you don't know? it's mint chocolate chip!

I: Somewhere in the world you wanna go that you haven't been
J: Japan

I: Eat a bowl of maggots or go to school naked.
J: I guess I'd be going to school naked.

I: Fav sex position?
J: depends...

I: Your spot.
J: where my tramp stamp is.

I: Kids I want?
J: I just believe in having sibling relationships (hence my thesis).  One would be enough for me.. but I couldn't have one kid and them miss out on the benefits of having a sibling. So two will be enough.

Interview end.

Inside

If I could open up my heart it would say. 

Be kind, be gentle and protect me. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

I know it's been a while since I blogged on this prompt but here is day 8... days later:

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I don't share this much but I think my dad's side of the family always thought less of me because I'm half black and I don't look very Filipino (more like a light skinned black girl).  Well as a kid it hurt because what kid doesn't want to be accepted by their own family?? As an adult, it still kind of sucks that people can be so ignorant but at the end of the day I have my parents so who cares what they have to say or think about me.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

Heartless

I lost my heart somewhere with the love I had for you. 
 Now I'm heartless and cold with no warmth to share.  
I lost my heart somewhere in the process of trying to please you. 
Somewhere in the process I forgot how to please myself. 
 I lost my heart the moment I met you. 
Someone told me I would never forget you. 
I lost my heart inside of you..
 I lost my heart in the thought of you. 
I lost my heart inside of you and now there is no heart inside of me. 

Faith..

When I pray I never ask for new things or things to go the way I want them to go.. I just always ask God to steer me in the right direction.. When I started asking for that I started losing people in my life who really didn't want the same things in life as I did.  Sometimes it's hard, I don't understand what Gods plan are for me but I continue to pray and I have faith that God will never put me in a situation I cannot handle. Sometimes when I become angry I have to remember this. 

Truth.

Okay it's what about to be 2am on June 2nd and I thought I'd just randomly rant

God I miss Nathan. It's so sad because I'm just confused. I don't know why I miss him and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel... Somedays I wake up and I'm fine.. I can go on about my day without a care in the world... Other days I wake up angry, bitter, with so many "I could've done this differently" type of attitude... Some days I just simply want to text to see how he's doing and I text him messages all day that never get sent... I just know I need to and have to move on..  I think it's hard because I have so many thoughts going on at one time.. So many you should do better... So many you should try harder! But how?! Geeeeez!! 

Relationships are so confusing! It's like you think you know what's right and then someone comes and hands you a chair and says "take a seat you amateur".  With every relationship I get wiser. I know I can't settle for less. I WILL NOT settle for less. I know what I want and I am determined to have it. 

I just want to let go.. I want to stop holding onto the back of Nathan's shirt and dragging in the dirt. I want to move on... Not wake up bitter, sad, frustrated... I want to think of him and think of all of the blessings he has brought... First step is admitting it I guess... Right?