I Will Be Okay

Last month was a mess.. Got into a car accident, went through a break up and got laid off.  I'm telling you my life went from as perfect as it could be to shambles in no time.  I'll admit a few times I felt like why do I deserve this when I am such a good person.. But then I remembered that everything in life happens for a reason.. People come in go in your life to teach life lessons.. car accidents.. losing my job.. it all makes sense.. lol.. Since I've gotten over the initial shock of the horrors of last month I know I will be okay.  

I told myself.. I was in a car accident 4 years ago where my life was almost taken from me && I survived.. I could not remember and it took therapy and motivation to get me back the way I am today.. So why would I let a little heartache and the loss of a job that I did not care for that much bring me down?? I wont. 

Every job I have applied to I have gotten an interview for.. I know that I will get a job soon.  It only took me 3 weeks to get my last job so I know something will come my way.  Love.. well.. Shit happens.. You live and you learn.. Plus there are plenty of good men out there who are dying to talk to me anyways.. So why stress over something that I cannot fix..

So basically.. I tell myself every time I'm feeling down.. I will be okay.. Because I'm doing this for me! 

Progression

Breaking up with someone and having no clue why made me upset, frustrated, hurt.. Just about every negative feeling in the book.. I went from crying and depressed to angry and upset.  I could not let it go because I had no clue what I did wrong and although the relationship was over I'm always self reflecting and I do not want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship that I did in my last...

So finally we sat down and I found out where I made my mistakes and although the answer he gave me was a valid reason to leave and it made me happy that I did nothing wrong on my end.. It made me sad because it was something I had no control over.  He told me that I was a great girlfriend but for him having to deal with my health problems were overwhelming :(.  Sigh.  That's where age comes into play.  For someone that young I should have never expected him to understand and it's kind of my fault as well because I never told him about them he just kind of experienced them..

So.. I think I need to rewind and explain my health problems.. So most people know that I was in a car accident 4 years ago where I had a head injury and suffered bilateral damage to my temporal lobe (my temporal lobe had nerve damage in both hemispheres meaning both the left and right side).  From that I have lost my hearing in my left ear, I have head tremors, migraines and seasonal anxiety.  To me, my health concerns are nothing compared to when I first came home and was paralyzed and could barely walk.  I guess my biggest mistake was not explaining it to him.  He was my first boyfriend since Michael who was with me through the accident.  He saw me at my worst, helped me get through the paralysis so tremors were nothing to him and when I got them his response was "jas your head is shaking again" and I guess I expected Xavier to have the same attitude not realizing he wouldn't.

So.. I'm glad to know that I can still say I am a great girlfriend.. I just have to find someone next time who will understand that my tremors are a part of me now.  These things will probably never change.  I survived death and I'm happy to say I'm still alive and I have 4 small little problems I have to deal with. So for my next relationship... I have these three goals: 1: I want to get to know them better before I commit to being with them, 2: find someone my age who will understand my health 3: someone who is willing to bring as much to the table as I..

The End!

Thoughts

I'm hurt now but I will pray that one day God gives me the strength to forgive you.

Me

Reflecting on the past week... It has really been a nightmare for me. I'm thankful to have friends who come to check up on me and make sure everything is okay. For now, I'm staying away from the social networks until I feel I'm ready to come back. Right now.. I need to focus on me.

Men

This morning I felt the need to write about the opposite sex.. Now I'm not going to generalize on this subject I'm just going to give my opinion based on my own experiences..

Now.. I've dated many different types of men: young, old, educated, incarcerated, wannabe thugs, real thugs, motivated, strong-willed.. etc.. As I grow older, my choice in men has changed drastically so here are my descriptions of the men I have dated over the years:


Thug/Gangster Type.


I think the most popular type of man among young girls and sometimes still older women is the thug.  My experiences dating a thug was not a good one but for some stupid reason I still dated them.  Out of the 4 past relationships.. 2 of my ex-boyfriends fit under this category.  Thugs are stressful because they're always in jail or on their way.. They're inconsiderate of your feelings.. and they have plenty of women on the side.. The pros to dating a thug is that the relationship will be full of surprises but the pros never outweigh the cons.  When I was younger all I was attracted to was the "thug" type and I'll admit it was pretty lame of me... But as I have gotten older I know that the thug type ain't for me because thugs never have your best interest at heart..

Unmotivated Type.

Now I have dated some men who had my best interest at heart and motivated me to do well in school, but they were extremely unmotivated themselves.. Now in my current relationship as well as in my past relationships, I have always been supportive in my partners decisions and maybe gave a little push if they needed it, but there are some men who look good on the outside but later on you find out it's all talk.  The unmotivated man talks about his goals, but never pursues them.  He dreams of the house with the picket fence and nice car but he is content with working a minimum wage job all his life.  Now I'm not saying there is nothing wrong with that but I'm destined for success and I'm always trying to upgrade my life.. So someone who is content with what they have in their 20's is not the one for me.

Big Ego Type.

Now I have dated some educated men and some have been cool.. but an educated man with a big ego didn't work for me.. First a lot of men feel threatened by my smarts especially when they feel like I'm smarter than them.  The man with the big ego never feels like he is wrong and will not admit that he is wrong.  In my opinion, men with big egos tend to feel like women should be submissive to them which is why my strong willed personality does not go well with this type.. The big ego type are also very judgmental.

So my current relationship does not fit any of the categories so I gave him his own.

My love. 

He's not a thug, unmotivated or have a big ego.. He's a man.  He's younger than I so he's not as established but he's always trying to progress... I love the fact that he's always motivated to do more..  He's spontaneous, humorous and friendly.. I love that he motivates me to do better.  Now he's not perfect and he has his flaws.. But his pros outweigh his cons && that's why I love him. <3

Well that's my little snippet of the men I have dealt with.. I've come a long way from the thug life type lol.

Pure Confusion

I told myself that falling in love with you was dangerous..
But I could not help it..
And now I find myself constantly arguing with myself if this feeling is right..
If loving you is worth the risk of another broken heart.
As much as I try to fight it...
I find myself constantly thinking of you..
I tell myself to leave you alone..
That as much as I adore your sweet smile..
Its just pure poison to my soul..
I'm in a losing battle..
There is no winning..
And my best qualities..
Ambition, persistence, motivation..
are going to be my downfall..
I just do not know what to do..
My loyal personality will not let me lye in the hands of another..
My loyalty will not let me dance with the thought of exploring other available fish in the ocean..
It will not let me enjoy romance..
Because my heart is set on you..
And until my heart gets what she wants she will not stop..
And that's exactly how I end up hurt.

Untitled.

Like a seed planted into the ark, cold, damp earth, I hid my love for you hidden inside my chest festering at the seams similar to the roots that sprout from a seed.  At first I tried to fight it, beating at my chest like a raged barbarian.  But every time I fought, love won every time.

I tried to tell myself this was not right.  That love was a nasty drug.  When I was so high on love before, no one could bring me down.  I was so high I sat on clouds in the sky singing with the birds and waving gracefully at passengers on airplanes.  But when love was ready to leave my system and I was not ready to let go, it would be a heart wrenching battle that would seem like it would never end.  I could not sleep, I could not eat, I could not do anything.. until I had another fix of love..

When I fell out of love.. I promised never ever to fall in love again.. but like a thief in the night, you came and stole my heart..