Pure Confusion

I told myself that falling in love with you was dangerous..
But I could not help it..
And now I find myself constantly arguing with myself if this feeling is right..
If loving you is worth the risk of another broken heart.
As much as I try to fight it...
I find myself constantly thinking of you..
I tell myself to leave you alone..
That as much as I adore your sweet smile..
Its just pure poison to my soul..
I'm in a losing battle..
There is no winning..
And my best qualities..
Ambition, persistence, motivation..
are going to be my downfall..
I just do not know what to do..
My loyal personality will not let me lye in the hands of another..
My loyalty will not let me dance with the thought of exploring other available fish in the ocean..
It will not let me enjoy romance..
Because my heart is set on you..
And until my heart gets what she wants she will not stop..
And that's exactly how I end up hurt.

Untitled.

Like a seed planted into the ark, cold, damp earth, I hid my love for you hidden inside my chest festering at the seams similar to the roots that sprout from a seed.  At first I tried to fight it, beating at my chest like a raged barbarian.  But every time I fought, love won every time.

I tried to tell myself this was not right.  That love was a nasty drug.  When I was so high on love before, no one could bring me down.  I was so high I sat on clouds in the sky singing with the birds and waving gracefully at passengers on airplanes.  But when love was ready to leave my system and I was not ready to let go, it would be a heart wrenching battle that would seem like it would never end.  I could not sleep, I could not eat, I could not do anything.. until I had another fix of love..

When I fell out of love.. I promised never ever to fall in love again.. but like a thief in the night, you came and stole my heart..

Daydreamin

I lay down on my back staring up at the white ceiling as thoughts flash through my mind like mini scenes of a movie.  I'm in a daze and I cannot wake up.  Just the thought of you puts me in a trance.  I want to kiss your lips, touch your smooth skin, see your face.  I keep thinking of what it would be like if you were here next to me.  Looking at me, putting a smile on my face and making me laugh.  Pure happiness.  Just the two of us together. Selfish me, I  would keep you for myself forever.  But then I remember this was all a dream and I'm just like a princess in a Disney movie waiting on my prince to wisk me away to my happily ever after.

Letting go.

One of the hardest things that I have always struggled with is letting go especially when I love someone.  There is always that hope in the back of my mind that the relationship will work even if there is no way in hell it will work.  I always end up feeling like I'm losing myself, like I have failed.  I'm so successful in school, with my students, but when it's time to let go I always feel like I could have always tried a little harder to make it work.  

Convincing myself that it's going to be okay is the hardest thing I have to do because as much as it hurts inside to let go of someone I have loved so much or something I know I cant have, I know deep down inside it is the right thing for me.  I'm making the right decision even if I feel like I've made the worse decision I could have ever made at the moment.  

Its the battle of the heart and the mind.  Logically, letting go is the right thing to do because emotionally and physically I'm better off.  But my heart wants this love no matter how much pain and misery it brings.  The heart and the mind are always conflicting with each other, fighting to be right, never coming to a common ground.  It's like a never ending battle with the two.. But the heart acts on instinct where the mind or rather the brain acts on logic and although many times before I have sided with the heart, in order to let go I must act on logic and know that my brain has never failed me.  

We all know heartbreak feels like the worst feeling in the world && letting go seems impossible.. But sometimes letting go is essential to starting a new chapter in your book of life.  So I'm letting go and starting over.

Untitled.

Its like a never ending game.
I'm trying to find my way out.
There's no exits in sight.
I fall relentlessly to the floor and I pout.

I just cant figure this one out.
When way to go
Which door to go through
I'm starting to think I will never know.

Tears fall down my cheeks
My heart hurts.
I do not know what to do
So  I choose to stop fighting.

And just like that...
Everything changes..
We pick up the broken pieces
Of your heart & mine..

And slowly we start to rebuild
The kingdom that was torn down
&& maybe one day
we can live happily...

Secret Love

Let's run away and get married

Live on an island in the sea

We'd sip lemonade and long island ice tea

Oh what a joy it would be

If life were only that easy

Instead..

We wear all black 

With masquerade masks 

Tip-Toeing through the night 

Trying not to get caught..

We are villains of the mind and soul 

Capturing each others hearts

Making wild love in the heat of the moment

Wishing we could stay intertwined

 But we live separate lives..
An unfair story it is
They say our paths should have never crossed..
That love between us can NEVER be an option

So secret lovers of the night
We live this horrid nightmare
Until the rules of society change
And i  can be yours and you can be mine.

Disequillibrium

...i never could explain what exactly attracted me to you..

but whatever it is has me quite confused.. 

when like turns into lust..

and lust into love..

a once certainty turns into uncertainty

equilibrium falls into a fury of disequilibrium

i am a confused and unstable soul...

what to do.

seems like i'm trying to put together a puzzle with missing pieces

i'm searching for answers

that are not there

i'm too busy analyzing and missing out on what i really want..