I Miss You

I miss opening my eyes and staring at your beautiful brown skin.  I miss planting small kisses on your forehead and nose while you sleep peacefully.  I miss watching you open your eyes and smiling at me.  I miss laying in your arms secure as can be.  I miss laughing and joking with each other for hours and hours.  I miss kissing your soft lips.  I miss receiving your back rubs.  I miss our dates to our secret Chinese spot.  I miss riding in the car with you singing songs together.  I miss you laying in between my legs while I touch up your dreads.  I miss laying on your chest and hearing your heart beat.  I miss our dinner nights.  I miss being able to come to you for almost anything.  I miss knowing that every night you would be there.  I miss kissing you goodnight, and knowing you was going to hold me throughout the whole night.  I miss our friendship.  I miss our companionship.  I miss our relationship.

LOVE

So I just got finished reading this book called "Spoiled Rotten" by Brandi Johnson.  I don't want to go too much into the book, if you wanna know you should read it.. its a good book.. but anyways.. On the last page of the book, there is this poem about love.. I liked it soo much that i thought i'd share it..

Love is

((From Brandi Jonson's "Spoiled Rotten"))

Love is something that cannot be broken.

Love is not a word that can be spoken. 

Love is an action, it's something that you do.

Love is something that's shared between me and you.

Love is not bad, love is good.

If you never had a chance to love, I recommend you should.

Love is something that makes you smile.

Love is something that makes living life worthwhile.

I love love, its my heart and desire.

I love love, because it sets my soul on fire.  

I Love You

i Love this picture, so i'd thought i'd open up this late night blog.. with this picture.. Okay.. its 2:16AM && i haven't blogged in a few days.. mainly because I've been trying to find myself.  I am a hopeless romantic.. I love being in love.. ((you probably can tell by my last posts)) Lately, I've been realizing that I have been fighting love.  I've been forcing myself to communicate and be around people that I have no interest in.. trying to rid myself of Love.. well I'ma F'n admit it.. I AM IN LOVE!!! I love poppa.. but I can't have him.. I cannot be with him.. it will never work.. It hella hurts.. HELLA HURTS!! But I enjoy the time that I get to spend with him..  We went out to lunch earlier today to our old restaurant & sat in our favorite booth, ordered the same exact thing we ate every other time.. i missed our Monday lunch dates to that old restaurant.. I loved the conversations we had , the kisses we shared.. I miss that.. I really do.. Our relationship is beyyooond damaged.. it would take a miracle to fix this.. I love him and I know that he love me, but we have some real growing to do before it can ever work out.. I have been in denial for so long, it hurts my feelings.. 

I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I know our relationship is not strong, its far from it.. It's probably the most dysfunctional relationship on the planet.. but thats my poppa, my baby, my honey.. my EVERYTHING... I don't know.. i don't think it will ever work between us.  The trust was lost a looooooooooooooong time ago.. Things have happened that we cannot change nor fix.. I just know that I am not ready to move on to no one new until I cease the feelings I have for my poppa.. As long as I am in love with him.. another relationship with someone else will never have its chance to blossom..

Me Time.

So for the past few days i have been hidden away in my own little sanctuary ((my room)) by myself, figuring some things out in my mind. So this is what i have been doing...

Old lady right? Lol. well, i started crocheting when Michael used to leave me alone in Wilton bored as hell, I want to make a nice thick, comfy scarf.. so i've been doing this to think out some things..

So Much 2 Say,

YOU can't change anyone, but yourself.
3 years of my life.
He was my best friend, made me laugh & cry
I remember when he asked me to be his girl.
We were in the deers at his house.
I knew he was gonna be leaving soon but i still accepted.
He got 9 months,
Pain. Anger. Hell...
November 3, 2007 he comes home.
Excited, Happy, but not him.
He didn't expect to see my face, he didn't want me there.
See, i'm not meant to be the girl/wife of an inmate.
I can't write letters everyday, I can't visit 2 times a week, I can't anticipate that collect call I JUST CANT
He would play the coming & going game trying not to get attached,
Then January 1, 2008, He stayed home.
He fell in love.
I fell in love ♥.
((This is where my memory starts to get a little unclear so everything can not be included..))
i don't remember the events up to the accident.
I remember waking up in UC Davis hospital with a neck brace on my neck confused as hell.
I asked for him,
They got me a phone.
I called him.
He answered.
He said he was coming.
I waited.
& waited.
&& waited.
I hate him.
I went to Berkely.
Finally passed the damn memory test & they let me come home.
He came.
I was weak.
foolish.
stupid.
But i will give him credit.
i had facial paralysis, i looked like an ogre.
he put eye drops in my eyes and ear drops in my eyes,
he massaged my cheek muscles
he took care of me,
a recovery that was expected to take 6 months 2 a year took 3 to 4 months
downhill from there.
i was better.
from here.
to there.
to weekends by myself in the middle of nowhere.
i was not happy.
2 year anniversary.
the best anniversary.
good, good, good.
2009.
Bad Bad Bad.
Prison.
I left.
Here we stand now.
2 confused souls.
He wants me,
He doesn't want to change.
I refuse to be with someone who HAS to have other girls.
& his excuse is i left him.
I deserved the world.
I deserve everything.
Because I gave My everything for him.
I gave him my all.
So now its back to the back and forth.
Sickens me to my stomach.
I give up,
It hurts too much.

untitled

Late night blog

Late night thoughts please take me away,

To a dreamland so full of my hopes for today

Give me peaceful sleep

A night so still

Another breath to breathe tomorrow

Another day to fill

Give me happiness and joy

With children's laughter and play

Oh dear night please bring me

A beautiful and sunny today.

Closing my eyes and goodnight