So Much 2 Say,

YOU can't change anyone, but yourself.
3 years of my life.
He was my best friend, made me laugh & cry
I remember when he asked me to be his girl.
We were in the deers at his house.
I knew he was gonna be leaving soon but i still accepted.
He got 9 months,
Pain. Anger. Hell...
November 3, 2007 he comes home.
Excited, Happy, but not him.
He didn't expect to see my face, he didn't want me there.
See, i'm not meant to be the girl/wife of an inmate.
I can't write letters everyday, I can't visit 2 times a week, I can't anticipate that collect call I JUST CANT
He would play the coming & going game trying not to get attached,
Then January 1, 2008, He stayed home.
He fell in love.
I fell in love ♥.
((This is where my memory starts to get a little unclear so everything can not be included..))
i don't remember the events up to the accident.
I remember waking up in UC Davis hospital with a neck brace on my neck confused as hell.
I asked for him,
They got me a phone.
I called him.
He answered.
He said he was coming.
I waited.
& waited.
&& waited.
I hate him.
I went to Berkely.
Finally passed the damn memory test & they let me come home.
He came.
I was weak.
foolish.
stupid.
But i will give him credit.
i had facial paralysis, i looked like an ogre.
he put eye drops in my eyes and ear drops in my eyes,
he massaged my cheek muscles
he took care of me,
a recovery that was expected to take 6 months 2 a year took 3 to 4 months
downhill from there.
i was better.
from here.
to there.
to weekends by myself in the middle of nowhere.
i was not happy.
2 year anniversary.
the best anniversary.
good, good, good.
2009.
Bad Bad Bad.
Prison.
I left.
Here we stand now.
2 confused souls.
He wants me,
He doesn't want to change.
I refuse to be with someone who HAS to have other girls.
& his excuse is i left him.
I deserved the world.
I deserve everything.
Because I gave My everything for him.
I gave him my all.
So now its back to the back and forth.
Sickens me to my stomach.
I give up,
It hurts too much.

untitled

Late night blog

Late night thoughts please take me away,

To a dreamland so full of my hopes for today

Give me peaceful sleep

A night so still

Another breath to breathe tomorrow

Another day to fill

Give me happiness and joy

With children's laughter and play

Oh dear night please bring me

A beautiful and sunny today.

Closing my eyes and goodnight

Not Happy...

... So i will write write write til i figure out what the hell is wrong with me.. I feel like i've been giving giving giving to everyone and everyone is taking taking taking.. but i'm not receiving nothing back in return. Every experience you have, you learn something.. You learn more about the world, and you learn more about yourself.. what I have learned about myself the last few days is that I am hurting more than I'm willing to admit.. so now I will admit.. I am hurting inside.. Strong-willed Wonder Woman is hurting inside. I feel like I deserve so much but I'm not receiving it.. I been through too much the last 3 years, feeling free of black eyes and being locked up in a room, i realized the dating game is kinda scary.. i never dated as an adult & the first encounter i'm plagued.. from my parents bs.. 2 no hours at work, i am F'n tired of this ish & need a change.. so lets do some changing Jay Jay

Roller coaster

We are like a roller coaster. Going up is exciting, the anticipation is amazing, but the drop is heart wrenching.. this bipolarness you show sickens me.  I am content without you then like a thief u come and try and steal my feelings 4 you back.  So, not fair. But the game has ended. I resign, for the first time Ill say "I quit".

Just Listen..

.. so yesterday.. although i haven't seen him or talked to him in forever.. Randy calls me and says he needs to talk to me.. so whatevs.. i'm a cool person, talk. Basically, he didn't do much talking.. matter of fact.. i did all of the talking.. See Randy basically PLAYED me.. i've never been played by no nigga.. but that nigga played me.. i'm not gonna go into much details.. but i will say, you can do me wrong.. and i will forgive you.. i'm very optimistic and living in the past gets you nowhere.. but he will have to live with the consequences so thats him.. but anyways.. when we were talking.. i asked him if he knew who he was.. like honestly deep down inside.. do you know who you are now, who you want to be.. etc.. he didn't really know.. I asked him if he knew what made me happy.. keep in mind i was around him everyday for 5 months so he should have a pretty good understanding of what makes me happy.. he had no clue.. i asked him if he knew what made him happy.. he had no clue.. Pretty much he was lost.. so this is what i told him.. i told him he had the potential to be a great man but he's too busy trying to be what everyone else wants him to be and not being himself.. he's too stuck on trying to make everyone else happy and is skipping out on his star player.. the reaction i got from him was not what i expected but i think he needed to reach a status of disequilibrium before he reaches a state of equilibrium. I told him that he had to leave everyone alone and worry about himself before he could reach that..

there will never be another chance of being blessed with my presence and having me as his girl.. but i told him, i'd be his friend.. whenever he needs to talk or get things out i'm available.. Damn i'm good.. because this morning he tweeted about what I said.. As long as he made a mental note of what i said and took it into a consideration.. i did my job.. i'm done..

In my past relationships, I have been through it all.. from Michael blacking my eyes, to Randy and his infidelity... But no matter what i've been through.. i would never hold the next person that is blessed with having me as their girl accountable for anything those lames do.. if you have been in a relationship before when male/female has done you wrong.. don't let those insecurities get the best of you.. learn from your mistakes and move on... learn to be a better person.. sitting around, living your life day by day letting others actions in the past affect your future is quite stupid.. live your life for you and no one else.. i'm not perfect, but i'm working on it..

Pooh Bear..

... Can I be your honey?? lol.. when i first talked to him, i thought, he's pretty interesting.. but when i first met him.. i thought he was A M A Z I N G!! lol so far, so good.. i like spending time with him.. there's never a dull moment.. he keeps me smiling, laughing.. keeps me content.. we will c how this thang goes..