Not Happy...

... So i will write write write til i figure out what the hell is wrong with me.. I feel like i've been giving giving giving to everyone and everyone is taking taking taking.. but i'm not receiving nothing back in return. Every experience you have, you learn something.. You learn more about the world, and you learn more about yourself.. what I have learned about myself the last few days is that I am hurting more than I'm willing to admit.. so now I will admit.. I am hurting inside.. Strong-willed Wonder Woman is hurting inside. I feel like I deserve so much but I'm not receiving it.. I been through too much the last 3 years, feeling free of black eyes and being locked up in a room, i realized the dating game is kinda scary.. i never dated as an adult & the first encounter i'm plagued.. from my parents bs.. 2 no hours at work, i am F'n tired of this ish & need a change.. so lets do some changing Jay Jay

Roller coaster

We are like a roller coaster. Going up is exciting, the anticipation is amazing, but the drop is heart wrenching.. this bipolarness you show sickens me.  I am content without you then like a thief u come and try and steal my feelings 4 you back.  So, not fair. But the game has ended. I resign, for the first time Ill say "I quit".

Just Listen..

.. so yesterday.. although i haven't seen him or talked to him in forever.. Randy calls me and says he needs to talk to me.. so whatevs.. i'm a cool person, talk. Basically, he didn't do much talking.. matter of fact.. i did all of the talking.. See Randy basically PLAYED me.. i've never been played by no nigga.. but that nigga played me.. i'm not gonna go into much details.. but i will say, you can do me wrong.. and i will forgive you.. i'm very optimistic and living in the past gets you nowhere.. but he will have to live with the consequences so thats him.. but anyways.. when we were talking.. i asked him if he knew who he was.. like honestly deep down inside.. do you know who you are now, who you want to be.. etc.. he didn't really know.. I asked him if he knew what made me happy.. keep in mind i was around him everyday for 5 months so he should have a pretty good understanding of what makes me happy.. he had no clue.. i asked him if he knew what made him happy.. he had no clue.. Pretty much he was lost.. so this is what i told him.. i told him he had the potential to be a great man but he's too busy trying to be what everyone else wants him to be and not being himself.. he's too stuck on trying to make everyone else happy and is skipping out on his star player.. the reaction i got from him was not what i expected but i think he needed to reach a status of disequilibrium before he reaches a state of equilibrium. I told him that he had to leave everyone alone and worry about himself before he could reach that..

there will never be another chance of being blessed with my presence and having me as his girl.. but i told him, i'd be his friend.. whenever he needs to talk or get things out i'm available.. Damn i'm good.. because this morning he tweeted about what I said.. As long as he made a mental note of what i said and took it into a consideration.. i did my job.. i'm done..

In my past relationships, I have been through it all.. from Michael blacking my eyes, to Randy and his infidelity... But no matter what i've been through.. i would never hold the next person that is blessed with having me as their girl accountable for anything those lames do.. if you have been in a relationship before when male/female has done you wrong.. don't let those insecurities get the best of you.. learn from your mistakes and move on... learn to be a better person.. sitting around, living your life day by day letting others actions in the past affect your future is quite stupid.. live your life for you and no one else.. i'm not perfect, but i'm working on it..

Pooh Bear..

... Can I be your honey?? lol.. when i first talked to him, i thought, he's pretty interesting.. but when i first met him.. i thought he was A M A Z I N G!! lol so far, so good.. i like spending time with him.. there's never a dull moment.. he keeps me smiling, laughing.. keeps me content.. we will c how this thang goes..

MEMORiES

so, i'm laying in bed.. right before i go to work and I decided to look in my good old photobucket.. enjoy


lol.. me & krystal.. we used to use our brothers girls to pay for us to take pics.. lol we would be in one hour photo every weekend..



Homecoming with Jalil..



LOL. My lil brother Marquis when he was like 12 or 13



Me & senior Ball



My doggie Koda ((rip))



High School Grad with my mommy



My nephew Malachi ((RIP))


my fat days at pacific ((yuck))


My sister & I


Krystal and I



My old light rail days


Summer 2007 ((below))













Summer 2008 ((below))





Summer 2009













thee end.. wonder what summer 2010 has to bring!

Wonder Woman

I am wonder woman.. whatever bullshit you throw my way.. I might be down for a minute but not for long.. I guarantee if you do me wrong you will regret everything you have done to hurt me... Because I'm not going to sit around and let it happen again.. I'm gonna get up on my feet and do it movin.. and like I have said before.. I'm constantly trying to upgrade my life.. So if you don't think the next is going to be better than you.. your fooled..

I am a great woman.. i have my flaws ((everyone does)).. But i'm constantly working on ways to improve myself everyday.. Chaos does not exist here anymore.. I know that whoever is blessed to be my man next will get the best of me.. because I'm not getting younger.. I want to build a solid foundation with someone and hopefully one day get married and have kids.. ((in that order)).. I know that I can be a good girlfriend, wife, mother.. Just gotta find my Superman, My king..

For too long I settled for less because of my own self esteem but I realize that no one makes me who I am except MYSELF.. In the past I wasn't honest with myself.. I told myself that I wasn't good enough.. Only to realize that I'm way better than what I'm giving myself credit for... I'm no longer worried about a man making me happy, but simply making myself happy.. and if a man does make me happy... then thats a bonus... Men come and go.. no reason to let anything they do affect the way I feel.. I make the decisions in my life.. and i live with the consequences so its time to LIVE and leave the negative people alone..

Always,

Jay Jay
((your wonder woman))

ART

what does this picture say to you?

SOMEONE NEW..

...Someone different.. very interesting.. makes me smile, laugh.. gives me butterflies.. but like i said he's SOMEONE NEW!! so i'm still skeptic.. So far so good.. but really only time will tell what the future has in store.

STRESS

This stress that i'm putting myself through is causing my body to really shut down.. i have so many things wrong with me right now that it's not even funny. 2 More weeks of school and its time for me to start relaxin.. i can't worry about everyone else no more.. because aint nobody worryin about me..

Disaster

I never knew that someone could have such an impact on your life in such little amount of time until i met you. I never knew how much of negativity you would bring until your true colors came to light. Your straight selfish. Sold me a dream and sat there laughing as my tears dropped. Your presence is poisonous. You have poisoned my life with your hopes and dreams of utopia when you knew utopia never existed. You played me like a puppet.. pulling my strings controlling my mind... you crushed me. took my little heart out of my chest and stomped it to the ground with your foot. You did this to me when all I ever did to you was be honest.

But misery loves company. And company you shall have. I can forgive you for your stupidity and selfishness. I can forgive you for doing what you do...

You have to live with never knowing what it would have been like to have ME as your girl. You have to live with the regret.. Just remember you made your bed.. now lay in it.

i'm sorry

my life has been flooded with so much bullshit that i haven't even been in the mood to sit down and express how i feel... I feel so reeetarded it's not even funny. I honestly will admit that I think I have low self esteem.. and I honestly think this low self esteem was brought amongst be through either society or my culture/up bringing. I never understand why I settle for less. I always thought that it was only me but when I look at my sisters we all do it. I'm beautiful, educated and know I can have and deserve someone who is just as beautiful and educated as me. But still I find myself settling for less. Why? I'm really trying to figure this out..

I feel like I have been lied to too much to really trust.. but then I had to think.. why when I am trying to give my all, be honest, i'm falling flat on my face? For so many years I haven't been honest and its finally coming to bite me in the ass.. I dont know tho.. this blog makes no sense to me.. so if you understand lol fill me in..

I want to be lost in a love where I am the only person that matters.. I've never had that feeling with anyone.. there was ALWAYS someone there.. ugh.. Makes me feel like i'm not good enough to be the only one. well i'm gonna go now i'm done.